Truss, Shapps, Mordaunt: which loss did you climax to?

WATCHING a parade of Tory big names losing their seat has been a sensual and visceral pleasure. But which one really moved the earth for you?

Grant Shapps, 3.09am

Shapps has been various ministers and various people and left a trail of blight in a haze of stupidity. His rodent-like face has been around for so long that you were glad to see him go, but it was merely filed in the wank bank.

Penny Mordaunt, 4.08am

Now we’re bloody talking. This magnificent sword-hefting lake-diving valkyrie stripped of a majority? Hello, engorgement. Still, will she be hot outside Parliament or was it only compared to her unprepossessing colleagues? Does losing subtract from her allure? She’ll be on Strictly by autumn anyway.

Thérèse Coffey, 4.23am

Truss’s mate, which is enough to get you going, with somewhat retrograde views on the gay community that make it a physical pleasure to see her out. Losing Suffolk Coastal has you excited, then you remember her bellowing along to I’ve Had The Time Of My Life and the blood down there withdraws in horror.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, 4.58am

He’ll always be the entitle streak of giraffe urine who reclined in the Commons because he couldn’t be arsed with a debate, so the sight of the spoilt boy losing the only thing he ever wanted has you properly edging. The sheer schadenfreude of him trying his little hardest not to call out for Nanny, oh you’re so nearly there.

Liz Truss, 6.48am

This is why you waited. The bobblehead cretin, the mortgage-inflater, losing her ultra-safe Norfolk seat? Everyone waiting for her on stage as she struggled to make it make sense? Banished to the Phantom Zone like General Zod? An explosion of orgasmic delight. And all before breakfast.

Steve Baker, 7.37am

Lying there aglow, results barely registering, and there he is. The self-style Spartan, the ‘hard man of Brexit’ kicked out of Wycombe. He says he’s going to be ‘skydiving, motorcycling, fast catamaran sailing’ but he isn’t. He’s going to be spending long, lonely, miserable days doing what you’ve just been doing. That’s hot.

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Everyone at work hiding good mood from boss

EVERY employee in Britain is whistling and smiling until their thunder-faced bosses stalk past, it has emerged. 

Junior workers across the UK are grinning spontaneously and giggling ‘he quoted Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for f**k’s sake’ before stiffening up and falling silent when the angry tread of a capital gains taxpayer is heard.

Marketing executive Jack Browne said: “Greatest night of my – where is she? In her office? – bloody life.

“Rocked up to the office, four hours sleep, high-fived the security team, danced down the corridor singing Lily Allen’s F**k You, then froze as I heard the unmistakable sound of Kayleigh getting a full-on incensed my-side-lost bollocking.

“So I’ve spent the morning feigning a restrained expression of mourning, struggling to comprehend the scale of my loss like I’m Akshata Murthy in dazzle camo, until the boss pisses off. Then we do Penny Mordaunt impressions.”

Colleague Jo Kramer said: “We’re high as kites one minute then sober and stone-faced the next. It’s like when me and my sister did MDMA while sharing a static caravan with our granny.”

Boss Carolyn Ryan said: “Starmer and co will bring in all kinds of new employment laws. I need to get firing pronto.”