Englishman at Burns Night thought it was about dubious meat boiled in an intestine, not bloody poetry

AN English newcomer to Burns Night believed it was some sort of eating contest for offal and mushy vegetables, not an annual celebration of a national hero.

Tom Booker, whose new girlfriend Jasmine claims to be half Scottish, was shocked to find her planned dinner party involved a 200-year-old tradition of honouring gibberish poems as well as weird food. 

Booker said: “I assumed it was a night to mock the English and make them eat sheep balls, so I turned up in a fancy dress kilt and a tartan hat with ginger hair attached. Turns out it’s a serious event for a bloke they treat like Shakespeare.

“I thought the uncle giving the first toast was having a stroke. It was only when I managed to make out ‘gushing entrails’ that I knew I was getting tripe after all. But what on earth’s a skink?

“Even The Proclaimers are bearable next to recitals of Robert Burns ‘classics’. Mice and witches? They’ve got better Scottish culture they could celebrate, like Don’t You Forget About Me.”

After failing to think of a single work by an English poet when politely invited, Booker chose to watch from the sidelines while Scots downed drams and swung each other round in a primitive Gaelic peasant manner.

He added: “If anything was making spicy mince come out of both ends, it was dancing. I assumed we’d just drunkenly doze the haggis off and watch Highlander.

“Thank god for all that Talisker, because the food really was that shit.”

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Five normal things that celebrities think they're amazing for saying

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement: 


To a nonentity like you, this is the most standard form of greeting. But to a famous, this makes them God descending from the heavens to deliver a holy proclamation. Nicholas Cage knows you’ll be wetting yourself with excitement because he’s blessed you with his attention and you’ll tell everyone you meet for the rest of your life. And haven’t you?

“It’s a beautiful day”

Your non-famous eyes would be impressed with an overcast day. Celebrities all live in California, however, so their verdict on the conditions is definitive. That’s why they’ve recorded an Instagram reel documenting their breathless reaction. No point in an A-lister having an emotional response if they can’t enhance their brand with it.

“I’m so lucky”

Famous people are dimly aware they live a life which most can only dream of achieving. Contact with their dog-walker reminds them. So, to appear grounded, they pretend their wealth and awards are mere good fortune, as if they could happen to a part-time Spar employee tomorrow. While believing they deserve a trophy for this modicum of self-awareness.


If anyone of your friends said ‘wow’ it would be sarcastic. A celebrity knows a single ‘wow’ from them is a quoted endorsement to boost ticket sales or shift products worth up to $750,000. Every time they allow it to fall from their lips they’re aware they’ve turned around the life of some little person, which is why they always look so wistfully smug.

“Thank you”

You say this when getting off the bus or when an Odeon employee tells you which screen you’re in. To some extent you’re sincere. Margot Robbie, however, knows she has to make a big f**king deal about how grateful she is unless the rabid public turn on her. So she thanks everyone, all the time, meaninglessly. And we lap it up.