A TAKEAWAY is the convenient and easy option. Until certain girlfriends decide to turn the process into a gruelling ordeal. Here’s how.
‘I don’t know what to have’
Yes, choice is a problem with restaurants. Ask your boyfriend if they do a taster menu, because the Indian on the high street is likely to model itself on The Fat Duck. Or ask what he’s having and say you’ll share his without addressing how this affects the quantity of food. He’ll be delighted to do that, because you’re a couple and couples share everything.
‘Do they do a low-calorie version?’
Your boyfriend needs to find out if there are zero-carb meals without meat and cheese too. Also you want low-fat coleslaw with skimmed oat mayo. They should have that at Tony’s Burger Shack. Get your boyfriend to phone them about all this, because he doesn’t mind feeling like a wanker if it’s for you. Then render the whole exercise pointless by excitedly discussing which calorie-packed dessert you’re going to have.
‘I’ll ask my friends’
You’re a bit worried about the doner kebabs your boyfriend is ordering. So message the girls on the group app to see if anyone’s ordered from there and if it has a good reputation. Oh no, what a surprise, they’re not in favour! Lucy adds that the meat is probably stray dogs from Romania. Your boyfriend disputes that, but he wouldn’t want to eat a kebab that’s not 100 per cent grass-fed prime New Zealand lamb, would he?
‘Is that all they do?’
Curse this pizza place for offering mostly just pizzas. Tell you what, why doesn’t your boyfriend phone and ask if you can make your own meal from ingredients you’ve seen in Waitrose? Be specific – you want something simple but nice, with a hint of spiciness that will fill you up but won’t leave you feeling bloated. Or can they do that lovely meal you had in Greece two years ago?
‘Can it be delivered after [insert activity of indeterminate length]?’
You’re not hungry yet, and you don’t know when you will be. Also you have to wash and dry your hair. How long will that take? It’s unclear. And you should really pop to the shop for some milk and loo roll. You could pick up something while you’re there! It’ll be much cheaper. What’s up, sweetie? Is there something wrong with swapping a load of delicious Chinese food for tuna pasta?
‘I’ve changed my mind’
When you started searching you wanted a cheeseburger, but now your boyfriend’s finally about to place the order you think soft noodles might fulfil your needs better. And maybe you should both try eating vegetarian more often? Maybe he could google vegan restaurants locally? Don’t worry, he’s only muttering vile profanities because he feels foolish for not thinking of that.
