How to pretend you do the recommended amount of exercise

THE government recommends 25 minutes of moderate activity a day. Does walking to Sainsbury’s for a four-pack of Stella count? No, but you can pretend it does.

Here’s our guide to convincing people you’re doing enough exercise.

Get a gym membership

Even if you never go, or only use the sauna in an attempt to ease a crushing hangover, this is ‘proof’ you are a person who works out. Don’t worry if the only actual exercise you get is using your membership card to chop up lines of coke on Friday night.

Park the car at the furthest end of the car park

This is an established way of getting you to walk more. However since you like to mindlessly stuff your face with a party bag of Snickers in the car after every trip to the supermarket it probably won’t make much of a dent in the blubber.

Take the stairs instead of the lift at work

But only when you arrive at the same time as one of your colleagues, otherwise don’t bother. Bonus points if you can force them into using the stairs too by saying something insulting like, “Still carrying that Christmas weight, Carole?”

Do a big shop on foot

Walking home with several large bags of shopping works your arms, legs and core and makes the neighbours think you’re really healthy. Just don’t let on that the bags only contain wine, more wine, pies, crisps and enough Findus Crispy Pancakes to sink a small boat.


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Poem about Jeremy Corbyn may be shittest thing ever

A WOMAN’S poem praising Jeremy Corbyn may be the most horrendous thing ever to exist.

Momentum member Nikki Hollis, 25, wrote the appalling poem, entitled ‘Simply the Jez’, and posted it on various websites where, bizarrely, some people appeared to like it.

Friend Tom Logan said: “It’s like something an 11-year-old girl would write about One Direction, except it would be less creepy if it was about Harry Styles instead of an ageing Poundland Trotsky.

“I think the worst bit was: ‘Life without you my Jeremy would be totally unthinkable, / Come on baby hit me with your deeply held socialist principles.’

“No, this bit was more rancid: ‘Your eyes are full of wisdom, your voice sings out with rhythm, / I don’t think you’ve really got, / A problem with antisemitism.’

“It doesn’t even scan properly, although obviously there are deeper problems with a piece of verse that makes you feel physically sick when reading it.”

However Hollis defended the poem: “It rhymes, therefore it’s poetry. Also it’s a free country. I can call Jeremy ‘the Gandalf of my girlish heart’ if I want to.”