WONDERING why you’re paying hundreds a month for a dingy hallway, stolen parcels and a sticker with a QR code for an online scam in the lift? Check out these features:
Locks on the doors
If you jiggle the key at the right angle, it’s a seamless experience! And the reason the door is so heavy and cumbersome that edging through with a bag of groceries, while possible for you, will deter hoodies or foxes or whoever. A bargain for total peace of mind.
Hallways
They might be so narrow you’ll graze an earlobe with each microscopic misstep, but at least 40 per cent of the lightbulbs work and the carpet isn’t infested by anything! Currently. Painted in an exclusive shade of urine-stained white you won’t find anywhere else.
Doormat
The management company didn’t have to provide this, but their empathetic directors hated to think of the extra wear-and-tear on the carpets. Its long-worn-away pattern adds an air of homeliness to the aggressively minimalist foyer. There is also a picture of a ship which covers a damp stain.
Unexpected lighting
On some horrible rainy homecomings, the outside light won’t come on at all, whereas at other times it’ll be on all night – a beacon of reassurance. And the flickering of the foyer bulbs offers the fun of an anaemic rave. It’s a Las Vegas lightshow nightly, all for one reasonable monthly payment.
Responding to emails in three-to-five business months
Reaching a person to talk to has the rustic charm of the era where letters from relatives would arrive by steamer from the New World. It’s a refreshing detox from modern life. And you can be sure these people work hard to serve you; it’s not easy spending eleven consecutive months not repairing a lift.
Has burned down yet
Does your block have the flammable cladding everyone is so worried about? Of course they’re not going to tell you! But best to pay extra just in case someone, somewhere may consider doing doing something about it, budget permitting.
