Woman quits job to do some middle-class nonsense

YET another woman with a successful corporate job is leaving to follow her ludicrous middle-class passion.

Francesca Johnson, 38, no longer feels fulfilled by an upper-management role with a steady income and instead plans to stake her future on a niche, painfully bourgeois business idea.

Johnson said: “This will be my last month at Barclays as head of systems strategy. Instead I’m going to use recycled textiles to make eco-friendly clothing for cold water swimming.

“The idea came to me at Hampstead Heath Ponds when I saw all these other posh ladies doing lengths. I realised then there was money to be wrung out of them and I cared deeply about the environment and those things.

“My first collection will be out next spring, with prices starting at £499 for a bespoke wetsuit. No one’s thought of this particular idea before, so there’s clearly a demand.

“My friends have been really supportive. Tilly quit her job in publishing to start growing heritage leeks and Zara packed in management consultancy to build book-themed gingerbread houses. I must ask how those businesses are doing.

“Luckily I can do this because my husband Hugh is a hedge fund manager. I explained that when the company’s gone global I’ll hire him as CFO on even more money, but strangely he just sighed and looked sad.”

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England would definitely have beaten Spain at least 12-0, confirm fans

ENGLAND fans are confident they would have slotted a dozen goals past Spain if they had not already lost to a better team.

Judging by how Tuchel’s squad hammered France 6-4, supporters are convinced they would have totally trounced Spain in the final, so they are the real World Cup champions if you think about it.

Martin Bishop said: “We smashed France in a game they didn’t care about, so winning by a dozen goals is hardly wishful thinking. We just needed a chain of pivotal events to go our way.

“If we didn’t piss away our lead in the semi-final by playing defensively, if Messi hadn’t been born, and if Argentina was never formed as a nation-state in 1816, football would be coming home right now. We were so, so close.

“Then victory against Spain would’ve been a certainty. Kane and Bellingham would’ve breezed a few hat tricks into the back of the net in the first ten minutes. Even Pickford would’ve headered a couple in by half time.

“Beckham would probably have invaded the pitch to score a few too. Then FIFA would’ve given us the World Cup to keep forever and the ghost of Sir Bobby Charlton would’ve accepted it on our behalf.

“This only didn’t happen because Argentina are nasty, shirt-pulling bastards. It was just bad luck really.”