TRYING to convince your wife she wants an open marriage? These are the reasons why you f**king around would only make your relationship stronger:
She’s had more partners than you
Four boyfriends? That’s hardly fair. Yes, you’re claiming nine but everyone knows only a body count multiplication factor of four counts as equality between the sexes. ‘The deficit must be corrected,’ you explain, ducking a thrown wine glass. ‘It’s not about sex. It’s about fairness. I’d definitely stop once we’d evened up.’
You’ve become more attractive
While the bloom is off her rose, you’ve improved with age. The grey in your hair gives you an edge of haughty maturity, while compared to your peers you’re not actually that fat. Once word is out you’re available, the knickers of local ladies will fly off with such force that the Met Office will issue a wind warning. It’s actually akin to a public service.
You’re underappreciated at home
She’s barely uttered those little three words ‘I love you’ since you started pestering her about ethical non-monogamy, replacing them with ‘for f**k’s sake’ and ‘not this again.’ She doesn’t get you. But others will see past the dad bod, hairy ears and large collection of cycling clothing to recognise the wild spirit within.
She doesn’t want to do a particular sex thing
You have recently – blame the internet – developed an interest in a niche sexual activity which your wife finds deeply unappealing. Therefore you must be fundamentally incompatible, and your needs must be met by another. You’ve been up all night on Feeld and have several likely candidates. Is it so hard to turn a blind eye?
Your children have stolen your spark
Several times a week you’re left with the children for as long as 90 minutes a go, and it’s left you emasculated and exhausted. The only solution is energetic sex with gorgeous women, which will definitely occur when you slide onto Tinder to delight them with a pic of you holding a pint at a wedding in 2014, captioned ‘just seeing what’s out there’.
