Family worried how grandad will manage without hard Brexit

A PENSIONER will have nothing to occupy his twilight years if the hard Brexit that fills his days is taken away from him, say his worried relatives. 

78-year-old Roy Hobbs’ family fear that without Brexit to fill his days with impotent rage he will have nothing to live for.

Daughter Carol Hobbs said: “Dad’s up with the larks every day to retweet far-right messages and shout ‘Treason!’ at BBC Breakfast. It’s given him a new lease of life.

“I’m worried about what he’ll do if we slide into a soft, reasonable Brexit. You hear these terrible stories about old folk just wasting away, so I’m praying Britain doesn’t come to its senses.

“I’d prefer not to ruin the economy but I’ve got to think of what’s right for Dad, and right now that’s obsessively posting deeply libellous claims that Philip Hammond is a ‘nonce’ and calling for his head on a spike.

“Old people can become socially isolated, but Dad’s made loads of new friends on the Spectator website. They’re on there cackling about a military takeover of the government like hens in a henhouse.”

Carol added: “Do they do Brexit care homes? I suppose they probably all are.”

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48-year-old realises he can no longer manage full cooked breakfast

A MIDDLE-AGED man has realised that he can no longer make it more than two-thirds through a cooked breakfast. 

Joe Turner of Northampton admitted that the Full English is a young man’s game and that he does not know how he managed it all those years.

He said: “I ordered one on autopilot. Even as I said the words my stomach lurched, remembering the last time. And then it arrived and just looked at me.

“Black pudding, beans, sausages, the lot, all sitting there in a pool of grease like a post-pissup treat unconvincingly trying to pass itself off as a breakfast.

“It stared at me with its fried egg eyes and its bacon smile and said ‘Come on. You’re getting old. You go to the gym. You don’t have to do this kind of shit to yourself any more.’

“My manhood challenged, I made it through a slice of bread and a burnt sausage before I pushed it away. Why did I? Why would anyone?

“Then I ordered a croissant.”