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Six completely ethical ways to get rid of a chugger at your door

ARE you not very good at lying that you’re in the middle of dinner when a charity fundraiser knocks at your door? Try these tactics instead. 

Read all the small print 

What better way to deter them than to get bogged down in the legalese they’ve presented you with? Does this poor 20-year-old, underpaid fundraiser know exactly how setting up a direct debit affects your habeas corpus rights? Plus you get the chance to cosplay as a lawyer. Your parents would be so proud if you were a real one.

Claim mental distress from their cause

Now you’ve had it explained to you, you’re not only moved but deeply traumatised by the plight of warzone children/lonely old people/donkeys. Can they come back when you’ve had time to recover from the reactive depression they’ve just triggered? They’re bound to say yes, but will probably have to move on to a new area so won’t return. Well done, you have successfully fooled a caring organisation.

Try to sign them up for your own charity

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, or something. Insist they sign up for a charity you’ve just thought of. Look, you’ve got all the donation details here on your phone. Soon they’ll be the one awkwardly trying not to look like a bastard by not supporting endangered beavers.

Offer a weird amount of cash

When the conversation turns to the sums you can choose to donate, insist on a strange amount that’s clearly less than the usual minimum, eg. £1.83 a month. When they say it’s usually a round five or tenner, insist your diligent budgeting means this is all you can afford. A national charity can’t accuse you of being a liar, weirdo or just pathetically poor, and the interaction will be over.

Debate them into catatonia

Charity is all very well and good, but you feel that relying too heavily on it opens the door for government inactivity and becoming reliant on the whims of millionaires or billionaires. Or indeed the general population, too easily swayed by cute animal causes and subject to financial hardship themselves. You’re surprised as how good you are at debating when not handing over money is involved.

Can they leave a leaflet? 

As soon as you realise it’s a fundraiser at the door, put on your best act of being stressed and harassed. Perhaps shout into the living room ‘No, you’re not taking the kids, Emma!’ then calmly tell the chugger that this is ‘a bad time’ and could they leave a leaflet? Who cares if your amateur dramatics are convincing or not, it’s what everyone else does anyway.

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How I intend to base Britain on the Warhammer universe. By Andy Burnham

EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect. 

There will be only war 

It’s surprising coming from a moderate Labour type like myself, but Warhammer has convinced me we should live in a state of perpetual war. Obviously you haven’t voted for me or endless conflict and death, but that’s just how British politics works, so tough.

Everything will be decided by dice

From now on, all activities and life events, from eating a meal to having a girlfriend or going to university, will be decided by rolling dice like in Warhammer. It will be mental and yet strangely fair. Just be sure you have a d6 with you and roll a 3 or above if you’re in an accident and need to go to hospital.

Everyone will become a highly stylised soldier

Obviously there are the famous Warhammer Space Marines, but there are other factions like a futuristic Wehrmacht and fanatical combat nuns. None of it makes much sense, but it’s a great opportunity for all the people who won’t shut up about National Service to join up and die. Your conscription papers are in the post, gammons and Daily Telegraph columnists!

Parliament to be replaced with the Imperium of Man 

For those unfamiliar with Warhammer lore, the Imperium is a brutal regime constantly at war with alien and supernatural beings like Necrons and Beasts of Nurgle. The Imperium is deeply fascist and viciously xenophobic, so we won’t be needing Reform UK anymore.

You might meet Henry Cavill

Superman actor Henry Cavill is a huge fan of Warhammer 40k and has been pushing for a film series based on the game. Once he realises we’re doing it for real he’s sure to sign up for inevitable death or the chance to be entombed forever inside a battle mech.

Try to avoid becoming a ‘servitor’

The Daily Mail has been predicting I will inflict left-wing economic misery on the UK, but they couldn’t have guessed I was actually planning to turn many taxpayers into hideously mutilated lobotomised cyborg slaves who know only drudgery and suffering. That will teach them to engage in scaremongering.

Everything will be ‘grimdark’

In the ‘grimdark’ fiction of Warhammer everything is as relentlessly horrible as possible. So when your loved ones die from war, overwork or pollution, they’ll be recycled as food. I’ve already had interest from Happy Shopper. You can forget about sex too, which is largely absent from the Warhammer universe. What did you expect from a world created by tabletop gaming nerds?

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