ANDY Burnham’s Manchester branch of 10 Downing Street smacks of being based on a uncritical love of all things Manc. So do the city’s claims to greatness stand up? Let’s see.
Being cool
Twats like Liam Gallagher believe that merely coming from Manchester automatically makes you cool. Do other parts of the UK have this weirdly high opinion of themselves? You don’t get people going: ‘I’m keeping it real and not taking any shit. That’s because I’m from Oswestry.’
The Fall
Apart from Hit the North and covers like Victoria, an awful lot of The Fall’s output is plodding riffing to a frantic drumbeat as Mark E says things like ‘faction Europa’ that don’t really mean anything. It’s all a bit of an effort to listen to, and his famous rants about such fresh and original targets as students and U2 weren’t that scintillating either.
Baggy
Manchester of the 90s was full of Stone Roses-inspired fashion victims in bucket hats and gargantuan flares rucked up around their Adidas Gazelles. Well done for inventing the only fashion trend that involves exposing your clothing to dogshit, fag ends and Friday night vomit.
The Industrial Revolution
Manchester quickly became the hub of the Industrial Revolution. This was bleak beyond words for the proles, but it’s since drifted into a safe heritage history space where it’s marvelled at uncritically. Ignore the unbelievably ruthless system of capitalist exploitation! Look at the nice plates!
Post-industrial chic
It’s widely believed that Manchester in the 80s was some fascinating post-industrial dystopia in which brave souls like Joy Division sat around feeling alienated. But most places look like that if you take the starkest black-and-white photos possible. If Joy Division’s photographer had used colour film they’d have just looked like some 80s blokes going for a walk.
New Order
New Order are disproportionately respected for not that many genuinely good tunes. World in Motion is f**king horrible, and the only reason people won’t admit it is because This Time (We’ll Get It Right) by the 1982 England squad was a hellish new musical low.
Admirable collective traits
Mancunians are variously claimed to have a strong sense of community, great civic pride and a sharp-witted sense of humour. You’d think by now Northerners in general would have tired of these bollocks generalisations. If they’re so sharp-witted, how does that explain Bez?
