By Ryan Whittaker, who won’t bother explaining his job in finance because you wouldn’t understand it
DUE to my six-figure income and shrewd investments I have close to a million in my pension scheme. Should I give up work, or am I content with showing off in this article?
It’s a real dilemma having this incredible choice which you don’t. You may not even have a pension, or it might be a miserable little stipend that will only pay for pathetic treats like a bottle of Tesco gin or sitting by a hot radiator.
I’d really like to hear the envy in your voice when you give me advice. As a high-achiever I’m worried retirement will leave me without a sense of purpose. Will frequent luxurious and interesting foreign holidays be enough, or should I start a wine cellar?
Or is 45 just too young to retire? I won’t be your typical pensioner because I’m physically healthy, as is my partner. Whereas when you retire at 67 you’ll be decrepit and stuck with an arthritic old hag, with Bourbon biscuits your only consolation.
It’s a tough decision. But having established I’m a big swinging dick when it comes to pensions, I might work a bit longer for some extra retirement luxury to rub in your faces. By choice, not like you slaving away to ensure you’ve enough pension to buy soap.
So thank you for your input. Obviously we haven’t spoken, but I feel much better now I’ve visualised my older, retired self dining at The Ivy and flying to the Maldives while you’re mugged by sneering rat boys as you hobble to a depressing evening at the bingo.
My only concern is whether £900,000 is enough to retire on these days. Of course it is, I’m just finding another way to gloat! Did I mention that I’m mortgage-free too? Suck on that.
