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MARKET SUFFERS BIGGEST EVER BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
News - Business

Image
Whatever

WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.

In London the FTSE 100 was down several hundred tediously familiar points while the Asian markets continued the trend by losing value in the same pathetically unoriginal way they did last week.

City analyst Martin Bishop said there was a 60% chance the markets will go down again today, adding: "Or I suppose they might go up a bit. To be honest, I'm going to play Tetris for a couple of hours and then go home early."

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VICARS TO HAVE 'FULL OF SHIT' STAMPED ON FOREHEAD
News - Society

CHURCH of England vicars are to have the phrase 'full of shit' stamped on their foreheads, it was confirmed last night.

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BRITAIN BRACED FOR MORE BULLSHIT ARTICLES ABOUT CAPITALISM
News - Business

WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.

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OBAMA MEANS TO MAKE YOU HIS BEEATCH, PALIN TELLS WHITE WOMEN
News - International

THE US presidential campaign turned negative last night as Republican Sarah Palin warned white women they will soon become Barak Obama's beeatches.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

     Prescott now too fat to
     punch people, say friends


     UK diners 'in desperate need' of
     Japanese monkey waiters




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Opinion

MY BIG GAP YEAR

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Friday: Beijing

This week finds me in the capital of China – somewhere I have dreamed of coming ever since the age of five when my parents bought me my first round of banana fritters.

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News Briefly

CAGE FIGHTING ROBBERS
SPENT £53M ON HOMO-
EROTIC TATTOOS
"Mine is of Leonardo di Caprio in Gangs of New York, all buffed and ready for action," says accused


NATIONAL ECONOMIC
COUNCIL TO MAKE LIST OF
ALL THE THINGS IT CAN'T DO
"I hope the biscuits are good for a change, there's always rubbish biscuits at these things," says junior trade minister


PALIN CLAIMS VICTORY
AFTER NOT SOUNDING LIKE
TOTAL AND UTTER FUCKNUT
FOR ENTIRE DEBATE
"Just because I don't understand any of this doesn't mean I can't talk about it," says candidate


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