A MEMBER of Reform UK is thinking of defecting to Corbyn’s Your Party if it is the sexist boys’ club Zarah Sultana has accused it of being.

THE government has confirmed that now an empty plane has left the UK we have room for one empty plane to be allowed in.

IT IS a bad time for Trump to visit the UK, given our government resignations and his enforcing mandatory mourning for a murdered podcaster, but then it always would be.

IS Starmer’s government in irretrievable Chernobyl-style meltdown, leaving Britain uninhabitable for decades, or is this a minor kerfuffle? Let’s consult the Trussometer!

WHAT is the best university in the country? It’s largely as you’d expect, but we’ve thrown in a few wildcards to con upper middle class kids into spending three years on the Humber.

IT’S almost freshers' week, and as a parent you’ll want to ensure your child is suitably twattish as a student. Here’s how to give them the best start at uni. 

IT is fashionable to disparage British traditions, but who among us does not feel a swell of pride as a magnificent Royal carriage dating back to 1902 sweeps by containing a bloated orange pussy-grabber?

THE Unite the Kingdom march attracted hotel protestors from across the UK this weekend, but how many? Your political views hold the answer. Answer these questions.

THE RMT walkout has Londoners with absolutely no way they can possibly get to work, not counting all the others.

THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.

LADIES are different, but men seem to need to crack one out in the most inopportune of locations and/or circumstances. They will never satisfactorily explain why.

A WOMAN who claims she is happy to watch any TV show or film is only open to doing so until offered options, it has emerged.

IS A man in your life gazing at Wayne Rooney and Rob Brydon with naked envy? Always on websites with a particular follicular bent? These are the stages to watch for.

A HOUSEGUEST who sweetly said she did not want to impose should have thought of that before arriving at a friend’s home for a whole weekend.

A HABITUAL wearer of gilets has informed all his colleagues that the early autumn chill is the ideal season for the wearing of a gilet.

RECEIVED an apologetic text from a friend explaining why they didn’t respond sooner? Ignore their lies. These are the real reasons people are slow to reply.

BRITISH horse racing is staging a one-day strike, leaving millions of gamblers with no option but to find new wagers. What are you losing a grand on today?

THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?

RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?

YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…

OH, you don’t like the right albums? Then a calm, intellectually grounded explanation of why you should will surely change your benighted mind.

ARE you not connected to Strictly Come Dancing in any way but need to find an excuse for your infidelity? Pin it on the popular BBC series with this guide.

YOU will never be of the calibre of a Disney Princess, but you could be the comparatively ugly friend who gets approached because you’re less intimidating. But whose friend?

SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.

DERIVATIVE pub rockers Radiohead are touring this autumn, in what is expected to be a pale imitation of Oasis’s triumphant comeback.

DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford.

THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.