ARE you taking the f**king piss, Wales? You think we’d have bothered covering a by-election in bloody Caerphilly if Reform weren’t going to win?

TODAY'S Caerphilly by-election could be a step towards Reform winning the most seats in Wales, polls suggest. But as a party known for their old-school prejudices, here is some advice for candidates.

AS the chancellor blames Brexit for damaging the UK’s economy, we ask: why didn’t anyone suggest there could be negative effects back in 2016?

THE Chinese spy scandal has dominated headlines all week, and in an unguarded moment you may have picked up a few details about it. What is it about?

LOOK away if you do not want to ruin the outcome, but Tory peer Michelle Mone will pay back none of the £122m she ripped Britain off for and will face no consequences.

NEED to steer the conversation away from how Reform UK’s former leader in Wales took Russian bribes, in case the electorate hears? Follow this step-by-step BBC guide.

THE migrant removed from Britain under the one-in-one-out scheme said ‘Guess who’s back!’ to border forces on his return, lightening the occasion with a little humour.

PRINCE Andrew has paid no monetary rent on the Royal Lodge since 2003, while you paid tens of thousands in rent for the same period. Who has the better deal?

EVERY unimpressive mid-sized town has features its defensive residents believe make it stand out, and they’re always the same seven things.

CARDIFF plans to charge SUV drivers more to park, an idea that may be adopted elsewhere. But given the annoyance value of these vehicles, harsher measures are in order. Like these.

TWO old men sitting in a pub in silence have explained that their personal bond is so strong it is unnecessary to ever have a conversation.

EVER wondered why the man in your life takes so long showering? Here are the things he's doing in the bathroom he'd rather you didn't know about.

CLAUDIA Winkleman’s outfits on The Traitors have ordinary people aghast and divorced authoritarian middle-managers wondering how to get the look. Follow these tips.

ENJOYING the cold, wet, dark weather? No? Then at least attempt to use the supposed romance of autumn to get into someone’s pants with these tactics.

SIX-SEVEN is what the kids are saying, and you’re supposed to care. But does the new generation’s race for fresh online slang just make them easier to ignore? Let’s assess.

AS a millennial, I abhor injustice. Nothing is more important to me than supporting the struggles of historically oppressed groups, most of all sexy lesbians.

VISITED a home full of motivational signs encouraging anything deeper than gin consumption? Can’t help but take down their bullshit? These stand up to zero scrutiny.

AFTER a full nine minutes on an American website, you’ve successfully diagnosed your ex as a narcissist. This explains why the relationship was toxic and why you want her back.

A WOMAN has dumped her boyfriend because of a list of faults she has yet to discover are endemic to the male sex.

A MAN has ruined an atmosphere of growing sexual tension by saying he feels 'horny', it has emerged.

MEN getting into a new relationship often want to take things slow, but why? Find out with this depressingly honest guide.

DATERS on the apps are increasingly using AI to do the difficult early bits of relationships for them. Have you been lured into sex by a large language model? These are the signs.

A MAN on holiday with his girlfriend does not realise she, her colleagues, her friends, her family and the night shift at an M&S Food in Portsmouth are waiting for him to propose.

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

TESS and Claud leaving Strictly doesn’t mean the show has to end - it can easily continue if a beloved household name like me takes over. Here’s why I’m the obvious choice.

THE BBC, having sewn up middle-class viewership with The Celebrity Traitors, is to launch a multi-million pound investigation into the tastes of the poor.

A NEW book is claiming Margaret Thatcher had not one but two affairs. And by an amazing coincidence Jilly Cooper was working on a novel about this very subject. Here are some extracts.

A STREAMING platform’s sole worthwhile show is struggling to justify a monthly fee of £14.99, it has admitted.

THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide.

THE Royal family can enjoy the privacy they crave as soon as they return their money, art treasures and at least four of their palaces back to the nation.

PRINCE Andrew has been punished for his crimes and lies by being reduced to the state of being just a regular nobody just like you.

PRINCE Andrew believes he is fine as long as the letter where he bonds with Jeffrey Epstein about their shared love of underage girls has not surfaced.

A NEW documentary about Victoria Beckham has turned Britain’s world upside down by revealing she had an eating disorder in the 1990s. How are you coping?

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.