THE UK has admitted they are perfectly aware Starmer will survive his current scandal, but they love seeing the rising panic on his bewildered face.

THE British electorate is quietly impressed with the sheer traitorous evil of the Lord Mandelson scandal equalling anything done by the Tories.

TODAY, the antics of traitors are prime-time televisual entertainment. But as usual, I was there a good 17 years earlier.

YEAH, so I’m the guy who repeatedly stated my guns were for taking up arms against tyrannical governments? But I can’t right now because I got an orthodontist appointment.

ALLOWED your memories of Tory rule to blissfully fade? Remember you hate new Reform recruit Suella Braverman but not sure why? Refresh your memory.

THINK you know your history? Prepare to be shocked as you discover everything they taught you in school was a lie.

MARTYN Lewis has criticised the student loan system which leaves graduates with unpayable debts of £53,000. Was your time at uni worth such a hefty sum?

A MAN has discovered an open-minded, harmonious clarity which makes the world seem a wonderful place and all problems surmountable moment after ejaculating.

ROMAN treasures are not the only things found on the HS2 route. These rudimentary artefacts of the Midlands peoples have also been unearthed.

ARE you an idiot who can’t help but ramp up the jeopardy if you’re stopped by the police? Make sure to do the following instead of meekly suggesting you shouldn’t get a ticket.

THE high street. Its dilapidated, empty shops are why so many will vote Reform. So why haven’t Labour filled it with nice, pretty new stores I will ignore to shop online?

THE government’s new Fuel Finder scheme will send drivers rushing about for cheaper petrol to save a breathtaking £40 a year. Here’s how to let it take over your life.

A 40-YEAR-OLD man has insisted that quitting his job, moving his stuff into storage and going travelling to find himself is definitely not a sign that his life has quietly derailed.

FINES for taking children on term-time holidays have hit a record high, so all the more reason to pretend it was a vital experience and not just arsing around somewhere hot. Try these excuses.

A MAN who has no time to himself due to his three children is jealous of victims of the male loneliness epidemic.

EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life.

A COUPLE on a weekend in Spain are feigning interest in a boring old cathedral because it is too early to start drinking.

A GIRLFRIEND is confident her boyfriend will never cheat on her thanks to no woman finding him in any way attractive.

A MAN who cannot be bothered to read the lengthy text his girlfriend sent him has gambled on replying with the tears-of-laughter emoji.

A DISTRESSED girlfriend has discovered that even when her boyfriend pierces his ear and puts in a slutty little hoop he does not resemble Hamnet heartthrob Paul Mescal.

SEXY girls in their early 20s looking for rich men two decades older to give them luxury lifestyles have nothing but disappointment ahead.

WANT to make her climax? Of course you do, it would reflect badly on you if you didn’t. Ready to hear how to make that happen? No, what would she know? Do this instead.

A ROMANTIC relationship is not finished after a final argument or the return of possessions but when the man no longer watches the woman’s Instagram stories.

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.

AN interviewer has been criticised for questioning Charli XCX’s decision not to have children. Sadly we all know he’s right, so here’s what Charli needs to do to end her childless misery.

AFTER lying dormant for decades, Aphex Twin is the darling of the odd kids again. These acts knew their music would one day be loved by mutant youth.

A MULTI-MILLION dollar documentary about Melania, the woman lucky enough to be the wife of president Trump, has been released. Here’s our review:

HARRY Styles is charging £1,600 a ticket for his upcoming Wembley gigs and fans are thrilled at the reasonable pricing. Is it enough?

KANYE West has issued a lengthy apology for his anti-Semitism, blaming his mental illness. But the world has yet to forgive him for these.

SARAH Ferguson needs stuff and is not afraid to repeatedly hassle anyone in a better position than her for help. Are you at risk of being her next target?

THE former Duchess of York has requested her nation reward her for all the money she took from Jeffery Epstein on false pretences.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor has clarified the context of the supposedly compromising photo of him that was released over the weekend.

NICKI Minaj has become president Trump’s ‘number one fan’ after he gave her a gold card visa. Which celebrity will be next to embrace his decrepit reign?

GETTING married is a f**king nightmare. My new fella Lee is perfect in every way, but I’ve tied the knot with some wrong ‘uns in the past. Here’s what to look out for.

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?