RACHEL Reeves needs to find £41 billion if she's to meet her self-imposed borrowing rules, according to a think tank. How would you rustle up the necessary funds?

GHISLAINE Maxwell is clearly being prepped to give an account of Trump and Epstein's friendship that exonerates the president. Here's the new version of events she's probably working on right now.

PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips.

BUOYED by his record of incredible electoral success in the Islington area, Jeremy Corbyn has launched an as-yet-nameless political party. What would you call it?

ALL public spending should be cut ‘except for the specific services I use’, the electorate has informed the government.

THE inclusion of ‘skibidi’ and ‘tradwife’ in the Cambridge Dictionary means it has been forced to remove ‘self-respect’ from its pages.

THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

HUGE whirring data centres are set to expand across the UK. Which parts of the country would you like to see replaced with one?

A MAN is feeling somewhat let down after mishearing that today is VJ Day, it has emerged.

SO-CALLED builder's tea is the refreshment of choice among people who are irritating, it has emerged.

A FAMILY has been left terrified after a taxi driver joined in their conversation, revealing that he had been listening all along. 

AN uncle has decided the entire family should be enslaved in his tedious quest to research their family history.

A NEW theme park will offer juggling, weed-smoking and infectious diseases to students unable to afford to take a year out.

A NEW mother has confirmed she has abandoned her career in order to focus on posting photos of her child full-time. 

IT’S never too soon to teach your offspring to lie if it saves you hassle, time and money. Here are the times when telling the truth is wrong and lying is what good girls and boys do.

RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?

YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…

INSULTS, flirtations and generally talking bollocks are all null and void after a fifth drink has been consumed, scientists have confirmed.

A WOMAN’S age has been verified by an online tool at a speed that is frankly insulting, she has confirmed.

TERENCE Stamp has died, and his many acting triumphs are being overshadowed by his role as a one-dimensional villain in Superman II. These actors will suffer the same.

THE Guardian loves its ‘How we made’ articles explaining how songs came into being. Unfortunately they also remind you of acts you were not a fan of at the time. Such as these...

SOMETIMES all it takes to terrify the public is to dab on a bit of corpse paint or blusher. As these otherwise harmless musicians proved.

A MAN has enjoyed his deepest and most refreshing sleep in recent memory while attending the theatre, it has emerged.

EVERYONE loves a bit of TV nostalgia - until you realise Just Good Friends was 42 years ago. Here are some more great shows for reminding you you're halfway to death.

BANDS love banging on about how working-class they are, but if you’re from a working-class background you may wonder what exactly it proves. Here are some repeat offenders.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.

THE nation’s employers have been deluged with a torrent of teenagers on work experience who do not know how to do the most basic of tasks.

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.