PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips.

BUOYED by his record of incredible electoral success in the Islington area, Jeremy Corbyn has launched an as-yet-nameless political party. What would you call it?

ALL public spending should be cut ‘except for the specific services I use’, the electorate has informed the government.

PEOPLE often say to me: ‘Shouldn’t you be out with your mates boozing and chasing girls?’ Actually they usually say ‘You’re that Reform twat, aren’t you?’ but you see what I mean.

CHILDREN who are only taken on holidays in the UK have either done something terrible or are simply worthless, their parents have confirmed.

HELLO there! Yes, you seem to have skin of a shade that would suit our purposes. Could you do us an enormous favour and trigger a summer of riots?

INTRIGUED by all those making an easy living from OnlyFans? Here painfully naive girlfriend Nikki Hollis explains why she’s considering giving it a go.

UNIVERSITY leavers who claim to be smart all look incredibly dumb as they swish through cities in their ridiculous twat’s gowns.

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

STILL shaking after paying £90 for a safari park which will entertain the kids for two whole hours? Let Norman Steele explain how he kept his kids happy circa 1985.

NOT every chore is necessary. Many are pointless busywork invented by bored obsessives making problems for themselves to triumphantly solve. Skip these guilt-free.

PORN sites are now requiring proof you’re 18, which means giving out personal details you’d really rather not. Here’s how to hide your panic at having your porn cut off.

HE isn’t only a drug dealer; he thinks he’s a mate. Which means performing an intricate dance of feigned friendship to get what you want. Follow these steps.

A DAD on a family holiday is ticking off activities with the cold, mechanical precision of a minor Gestapo official, it has emerged.

STILL spanking one out at 50? Concerned the frequency of your solo self-abuse is not age appropriate? Our quiz will tell you whether to throttle back or push ever onwards.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.

A MAN has dismissed the Lionesses’ win last night as nothing but an end-to-end thriller snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in the final moment.

PUBS across England are bracing themselves to be overrun by women watching the England-Italy semi-final in a serious, respectful manner.

A WOMAN’S age has been verified by an online tool at a speed that is frankly insulting, she has confirmed.

MILLENNIAL women are asking their elders if men were this peculiar before the online era or if the internet is to blame.

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

THERE are many songs appropriate for lovemaking, but none featuring the word ‘sexy’. These musical cold showers explain why. 

ARE you puzzled by the BBC’s decision to go ahead with airing the next series of MasterChef? Here the broadcaster explains its very sound reasoning.

I ALWAYS knew I would find my purpose in life. That being leader of the world’s most insipid stadium rock act was only filling time until I discovered it.

JUST because your band appeals to 6Music listeners doesn’t mean you’re more than a one-hit wonder. These bands found their fans’ loyalty did not stretch to a second album.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.

THE nation’s employers have been deluged with a torrent of teenagers on work experience who do not know how to do the most basic of tasks.

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.