SEX is widely regarded as extremely enjoyable, unless it’s with you. In which case these activities are suddenly much more appealing.
A CLEARLY psychotic family are having a full table-service meal before boarding their flight.
PATRIOTS who love their country and have no other underlying motivation are turning crossings and roundabouts into England flags. They can do these next.
THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.
NOSTALGIC for the naughty 1990s but afraid to step out of the comfort zone of staying in alone staring at your phone? Here’s how to party like an All Saint, but safely.
SIR David Attenborough has complained that whenever he says anything at all to anyone, it is treated like he is performing a parody of a nature documentary.
YOU live in Notting Hill and have therefore won, but there’s an annual weekend where people come to your area, dance about and commit light crime. Here’s how to pretend you don’t mind.
Why did the band on the Titanic play Nearer My God to Thee? Bit on the nose when the encroaching freezing water was enough of a portent of doom. A jazzy tune like The Entertainer might have gone done better in the circumstances.
A BOYFRIEND who thought he would quickly see what his partner gets up to online failed to comprehend the sheer volume of inane daily correspondence, he admitted.
Politics
RACHEL Reeves needs to find £41 billion if she's to meet her self-imposed borrowing rules, according to a think tank. How would you rustle up the necessary funds?
GHISLAINE Maxwell is clearly being prepped to give an account of Trump and Epstein's friendship that exonerates the president. Here's the new version of events she's probably working on right now.
PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips.
BUOYED by his record of incredible electoral success in the Islington area, Jeremy Corbyn has launched an as-yet-nameless political party. What would you call it?
Society
PASSENGERS on a flight from Corfu wrote goodbye texts to loved ones after their plane suffered a terrifying engine fire. Just for a laugh, what would your last panicked SMS be?
THE inclusion of ‘skibidi’ and ‘tradwife’ in the Cambridge Dictionary means it has been forced to remove ‘self-respect’ from its pages.
THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.
HUGE whirring data centres are set to expand across the UK. Which parts of the country would you like to see replaced with one?
A MAN is feeling somewhat let down after mishearing that today is VJ Day, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
TWATS are putting up England flags everywhere even though there’s no football tournament on and calling it Operation Raise The Colours. Here’s how to join them.
SO-CALLED builder's tea is the refreshment of choice among people who are irritating, it has emerged.
A FAMILY has been left terrified after a taxi driver joined in their conversation, revealing that he had been listening all along.
AN uncle has decided the entire family should be enslaved in his tedious quest to research their family history.
A NEW theme park will offer juggling, weed-smoking and infectious diseases to students unable to afford to take a year out.
A NEW mother has confirmed she has abandoned her career in order to focus on posting photos of her child full-time.
Sport
RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?
YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.
A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.
ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.
WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.
Science & Technology
YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.
A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.
A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.
THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…
INSULTS, flirtations and generally talking bollocks are all null and void after a fifth drink has been consumed, scientists have confirmed.
Arts & Entertainment
TERENCE Stamp has died, and his many acting triumphs are being overshadowed by his role as a one-dimensional villain in Superman II. These actors will suffer the same.
THE Guardian loves its ‘How we made’ articles explaining how songs came into being. Unfortunately they also remind you of acts you were not a fan of at the time. Such as these...
SOMETIMES all it takes to terrify the public is to dab on a bit of corpse paint or blusher. As these otherwise harmless musicians proved.
A MAN has enjoyed his deepest and most refreshing sleep in recent memory while attending the theatre, it has emerged.
EVERYONE loves a bit of TV nostalgia - until you realise Just Good Friends was 42 years ago. Here are some more great shows for reminding you you're halfway to death.
BANDS love banging on about how working-class they are, but if you’re from a working-class background you may wonder what exactly it proves. Here are some repeat offenders.
Business
THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.
GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.
THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.
POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
Work
HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.
A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.
WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.
THE nation’s employers have been deluged with a torrent of teenagers on work experience who do not know how to do the most basic of tasks.
THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.
Alcohol
SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.
A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.
BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?
A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.
