THE first few days of the Olympics have seen business booming for the capital’s newest branch of Cash4Gold.
Athletes from across the world have been flooding in to have their precious medals melted down into precious metals in exchange for a bundle of tenners right in their hands.
Branch manager Carolyn Ryan said: “As soon as we hear the national anthems coming from the stadium we get ready.
“Most of them get their money and hit the bars, but any Greek and Spanish winners go next door to The Money Shop and send it to their governments.
“We haven’t seen many Brits yet. Mark Cavendish walked in here all cocky at the weekend and said he’d be back first thing Monday morning, but instead he was taking his flashy carbon-fibre bike to Cash Converters over the road.
“And you don’t get that much for bronze unless there’s a lot of it, so Rebecca Adlington’s joined forces with the Bulgarian weightlifters to nick a statue which is either a gorilla, Boris Johnson, or what Boris Johnson would look like as a gorilla, down to the official Olympic scrapyard.”
Lord Coe, chairman of London 2012, said: “None of this is happening.
“The stadiums are full, G4S have done a superb job providing security, the key hasn’t been lost, nobody is dying of dehydration and reports that the stadium has been built on a sacred Viking burial ground are entirely false.”