Brown dress fails to make it all better

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THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.

No takers for the shiny pink jerkin, thus far

The £175 dress, which features a bandage-style design but is nicer than it sounds, has been hugely popular among women tormented by a desperate, media-fuelled sense of their own inferiority and had hoped it would magically transform them into someone better.

Sales co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “When I saw the dress in Modern Self-Hating Woman magazine next to an article about how sticking ice cubes up men’s bums makes them want to marry you, I thought this is it. This is going to be the thing that finally makes everyone think I’m amazing, or at least bearable.

“But when it arrived today I was not magically transformed into a beautiful swan-necked princess, complete with bejewelled carriage piloted by Cockney mice in red frock coats.

“I looked in the mirror and it was just me. Shit old me. With fatty deposits above my knees and an incipient belly that no amount of low-calorie chocolate drinks can shift.

“Perhaps I should have returned the dress to the shop, but instead I took it into the garden, burned it and then ate the ashes.”

Emma Bradford, editor of Modern Self-Hating Woman, said: “This isn’t the dress that will make your shit life brilliant, and we apologise if any readers misconstrued our double page feature entitled ‘This Dress Will Make Your Shit Life Brilliant’.

“That dress will be in next month’s edition, or the one after.

“But keep buying the things because one day, one of the things will make you beautiful. Just not today.”

She added: “Also in next month’s issue, an article about how putting crab paste on men’s bollocks can make them stay in your house for more than four hours. It’s the best thing we’ve cut and pasted off the internet in ages.”