RACHEL Reeves has decided that a programme of massive tax rises is the best way to distract Britain from her renting a home without a licence.

NIGEL Farage has rightly pointed out that Brexit opportunities have been ‘squandered’ and Brexiters are in no way responsible. How shocked are you by these undeniable truths?

THE prime minister has decided not to sack Rachel Reeves because you all love her so much and she is doing a great job.

ARE you taking the f**king piss, Wales? You think we’d have bothered covering a by-election in bloody Caerphilly if Reform weren’t going to win?

TODAY'S Caerphilly by-election could be a step towards Reform winning the most seats in Wales, polls suggest. But as a party known for their old-school prejudices, here is some advice for candidates.

THE English curriculum is to be changed to remove double Latin with Michael Gove to instead reflect the realities of the 21st century. These are the new subjects.

A NEW survey has found that despite their reputation for cuddly chat and homespun wisdom, the majority of those aged 60 or over are glum, boring moaners.

RESIDENTS of Norfolk are delighted their county has been chosen as the location where a disgraced sex case is to live out his miserable, banished life.

THE nation’s Andrews have asked King Charles if he could also change his brother’s first name to avoid the association.

CARE home workers are struggling to decorate their premises for Halloween without reminding residents of their imminent demise, it has emerged.

FATHERS emboldened by the Christmas John Lewis advert have told their children how deeply they resent being dragged away from lives of ecstatic hedonism.

THE rules were clear. I would live in a large country cottage rent-free with an income equivalent to £1 million a year. Easy, I thought. Never imagining the living hell I would enter.

EXHAUSTED by all the sex you're getting? Start living like a monk by asking your barber for these hairstyles.

EVER wondered why the man in your life takes so long showering? Here are the things he's doing in the bathroom he'd rather you didn't know about.

CLAUDIA Winkleman’s outfits on The Traitors have ordinary people aghast and divorced authoritarian middle-managers wondering how to get the look. Follow these tips.

IMAGINE you’re selling your old Fiat Panda. You agree a price, but as the new owner drives it away it transforms into a top-of-the-range Audi. That is what a post-break-up boob job is like for men.

A WOMAN has developed an immediate fiery hatred for another woman purely on the basis that her boyfriend would 100 per cent fancy her.

SUCKLING at a woman’s nipple while making love, long accepted as a normal bedroom activity, is weird when you think about it according to sexual health experts.

A MAN has achieved the perfect balance between his working life and his personal life by beginning an affair with his boss.

LONDON recently hosted Comic Con, and such events are heaving with people cosplaying characters you may well fancy. Here’s how to pull your own Poison Ivy or Kylo Ren.

BRIGITTE Macron is suing over claims that she used to be a man, which is highly unlikely but can easily play on a man's mind. Here's how to tell if your partner is the sex they claim to be.

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

ANIME is hugely popular with Gen Z, and with many adults who choose to gloss over many of the genre’s more questionable aspects. These are not often discussed:

THEY term themselves ‘boys’ but is the collective noun as in ‘or we’ll get the boys round’ or ‘boys, are you playing nicely’? We sort the boys from the men using it ironically.

COMPUTERS may be generating nightmare fuel images and weird non-existent bands, but humans are perfectly capable of creating disturbing musical horrors on their own. As these acts prove.

HALLOWEEN is the perfect time for a spooky film with the kids. But could it inadvertently lead to them becoming goths? Think twice before settling down with these…

LILY Allen has re-entered the musical fray with a new album detailing her traumatic, salacious breakup. Is that why you're listening?

SHARING a live music experience with friends is overrated. Here's why it's actually better and cooler to go by yourself.

NO longer Prince Andrew or the Duke of York, the shamed Royal is still called Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. Should these fancy surnames be removed as well?

THEY’VE taken it all away from me. My Princehood, my Dukedom, my HRH. And now I’m completely anonymous. I could be anywhere. I could be in the room with you now.

I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

CLAUDIA Winkleman and her blonde co-presenter are leaving Strictly Come Dancing and unless they are replaced the BBC is doomed. Who could do it?

AN office worker has exposed his lack of mental faculties by describing the solution to a complicated work problem as a 'no-brainer'.

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.