News

Utter lunatics taking their kids to a festival

A PAIR of deranged maniacs are going to take their children to a music festival while their friends stand back and let them.

Only even numbers of fruit and vegetables are healthy, experts declare

NUTRITIONISTS have claimed eating two, four, six, or eight portions of fruit and vegetables every day is healthy, but eating one, three, five, or seven could be fatal.

Who needs Bowie when we have Ed Sheeran? asks younger generation

TEENAGERS have declared themselves privileged to live in the golden age of music represented by flame-haired genius Ed Sheeran.

Guardian reveals how to cook the perfect meth

THE Guardian has published a guide to cooking quick, but delicious crystal meth for a casual Friday night get-together.

New BBC Scotland channel to show English programmes with derisive Scottish commentary

A NEW BBC Scotland channel will show English period dramas with voiceovers from Scottish people calling everyone ‘bawbags’.

Trump is on glue, confirms White House

THE White House has confirmed that President Donald Trump is on glue.

Unhealthiest nation in Europe encouraged to watch more telly

THE BBC is to intensify its war on Scotland by giving Europe’s unhealthiest population more television to watch.

Even funny pie stories now ending in abject misery

EVEN funny stories about a fat man eating a pie now end in the ruination of everyone involved, it has been confirmed.