News

Man cuts all contact with mother after discovering she likes ‘Galway Girl’

A 29-YEAR-OLD man has cut off all contact with his mother after discovering she enjoys Ed Sheeran’s song Galway Girl. 

UK to be rebranded as massive branch of Costa

THE government has confirmed that Britain is a waste of time and the country will be turned into one gigantic coffee shop.

Woman who just created whole new human couldn’t give a shit about her weight

A WOMAN is too busy marvelling at her ability to create actual human beings to worry about restoring ‘pre-baby body’, she has confirmed.

Tonight the perfect night to do E, confirm doctors

DOCTORS have recommended dropping ecstacy this evening to leave yourself plenty of time for a leisurely recovery.

Original velociraptors to return for Jurassic World 2

THE velociraptors who starred in Jurassic Park will join the cast of the upcoming Jurassic World sequel, they have confirmed.

Fat, balding office manager believes we need a good war

A GOOD solid war would do away with many of the ills of modern society, according to an 55-year-old office manager who weighs 18 stone.

Old fiver is ticking time bomb

BRITONS face a race against time to spend their old £5 notes while they are still legal tender.

Ghost of Blair ordered back to the netherworld

THE Archbishop of Canterbury is to exorcise the unquiet spirit of Tony Blair that is haunting the election, he has announced.