EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.
THE Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.
JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.
THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.
WORLD War One has been declared Britain’s most on-trend conflict thanks to its nice coats and haircuts.
A GOOD-LOOKING woman from a nice family has inexplicably failed to produce a cookery book.
THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.
A MAN in his thirties has expressed dismay at having to pretend to like 90s shoegaze band Ride for the second time.