Behind enemy lines: The gammon food critic's German city break

TIME for a city break. I'm no lover of the Hun, but I keep hearing good things about Berlin. So not being one to harp on about the fact that we kicked their arses twice at World Wars, I'm giving it a go.

The seven stages of your workplace getting obsessed with AI then realising it's bollocks

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

New financial crisis that is not your fault but will ruin you on way

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

Hot girls with rich dads do it, and other reasons to take an English Literature degree
KEMI Badenoch wants to curb English degrees due to their ‘poor graduate outcomes’. But she should realise there are many excellent reasons to do them. Like these.
Heating goes on in effete South

AS temperatures fall, Britain’s soft and pathetic Southerners are turning up their thermostats.

Nobel Prize winner to spend money on pimped-out SUV

THE British winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics is to spend the whole of his prize money on a customised sports utility vehicle in metallic Muscle Purple.

Young people not drinking very specific acceptable amount of alcohol

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

China: friend, or foe we must pretend is a friend because it's f**king terrifying?

IS China Britain’s enemy? And if it was, would we still pretend it wasn’t because we’re too small to do anything about it? We examine the facts.

How to perform the Couples' Wednesday Night Justifying A Takeaway Dance

WANT to be brought a succulent Chinese meal, but don’t want to be the lazy fat bastard who outright suggests it? Follow these slow and careful steps to get your partner on board.

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Politics

During a date you're bored with, and other great times to say you support Reform

DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.

Why I'm proud to represent Britain's snake-oil salesmen, by Nigel Farage

DEAR oh dear. The prime minister has exposed his contempt for Britain’s decent, hardworking snake-oil salesmen. Well, I’m not ashamed to say I’m their champion.

Enjoy your time together with money while you have it, says Reeves

RACHEL Reeves has advised you to create loving memories with money while you have it because who knows what will happen in the future.

The wild rumours circulating at Labour's conference probably, we don't know, we can't get in

LABOUR’S annual conference is abuzz with rumours that would scandalise and horrify Britain, we imagine, we didn’t get a pass. Here they are anyway.

Quantum mechanics, and other things that are simple if you're thick
NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

Society

Mechanic's invoice based entirely on your choice of radio station

THE cost of getting your car serviced depends on what garage staff think of the radio station you are tuned to, it has emerged.

At least now we know we're not meant to be racist, counters Met

THE Metropolitan Police have hailed footage showing them hiding their racist views for months as a massive step forward for the force.

Should you cash in on the lifting of the two-child benefit cap by having a third child?

LABOUR is set to raise the two-child benefit cap, meaning households can maximise state payouts by adding a third, fourth or fifth child. We weigh up the pros and cons.

Six overheard fresher conversations that gave you a full-body cringe

THE cities of Britain are thronged with callow 18-year-olds having loud conversations while knowing f**k all. These are a few of the worst.

My life in Khan's London under sharia law, by a 28-year-old marketing consultant

AS ALL non-Londoners and Donald Trump know, Sadiq Khan brought London under sharia law in 2016. One brave resident writes a diary of his daily oppression:

Bitchy glance more flattering than compliment, women confirm

A WITHERING, up-and-down glance from another woman is more validating than any spoken compliment, women have confirmed.

Lifestyle

Why I'm leaving overcrowded London for good, by a rat

LONDON. The big rancid cheeseburger. The place where dreams are made, or were. Because it’s full and I’m getting out. Here’s why.

We ask you: do you agree with the super-rich that Everest has become 'common'?

BILLIONAIRES are shunning climbing Everest as a dreadfully common pastime of the hoi-palloi. Do you agree?

Woman cancels plan to get in shape after discovering bigger clothes

A WOMAN has abandoned her commitment to lose weight after realising she can simply buy clothes in a larger size.

Take your kids to McDonald's, and other ways to feel divorced even when you're not

SOME activities bear an inexplicable air of failed marriage about them. Dip your toes in the sad waters of divorce by doing the following.

Mum telling story skilfully makes ethnicity of everyone involved relevant

A MOTHER recounting an incident to her adult daughter ingeniously included not just the race or religion of each character, but made it a key feature.

Paddington sues over claims he was the late Queen's booty call
PADDINGTON Bear has taken legal action over suggestions that he was, in her final year, Queen Elizabeth II’s designated f**kbuddy.

Relationships

Michelle Mone, and other wanks who pose a moral dilemma

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

Man 'not sure what he wants right now' not ruling out sex

A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.

Mortified woman drunk texted her current boyfriend

A WOMAN who sent a salacious drunken text implying sexual availability is horrified that it went to her boyfriend instead of an ex.

Man marries to avoid being 40-year-old with 'girlfriend'

A MAN has proposed marriage because he is 39 years old and has no intention of being a man of 40 who still refers to his ‘girlfriend’.

It's normal to text with your phone angled away, agree couple

A COUPLE is in agreement that there is nothing suspicious about covertly typing texts with your phone screen angled away from your partner.

How he'll love me more when I've driven his car. By a girlfriend

DRIVING your boyfriend’s car and leaving your own little feminine touches makes your love even stronger, explains girlfriend Nikki Hollis.

Man thinks of music from 2016 as new
A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

Science & Technology

This teen turned his room into a tech-free zone. Soon he was quaffing mead and leading the Crusades

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

We must stop children using VPNs to watch porn, says generation protected from it by a high shelf

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

The Gen Z guide to overcoming your terror of using a phone to talk to someone

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

Mobile phone more powerful than computer that sent man to the Moon unable to cope with 30-degree heat

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

Why aren't more Birmingham residents wearing whiteface? asks Robert Jenrick
I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’.

Arts & Entertainment

Why all the lyrics about being in love with her fiance on Taylor Swift's new album are proof she's categorically gay

CLOSETED superstar Taylor Swift is double-bluffing again with an album of songs ostensibly about macho man Travis Kelce. But the lyrics reveal what we’ve known for years – that she’s a lesbian.

Why celebrities with musical training on Strictly are massive f**king cheats, by Nikki Hollis, aged 47

EVERY year, there’s one. Sneaking onto Strictly, the joy of the autumn, ruining my Saturday nights with my Echo Falls and my post-divorce unshared share bag of Maltesers.

Seven books that cannot be sexed up for the movies

A NEW film of Wuthering Heights starring Margot Robbie is essentially a 1990s straight-to-video erotic thriller set in Yorkshire, but not every book is a cinematic bonkbuster ready to happen.

Brian Eno, and other chancers who masquerade as experimental geniuses

IF you don't 'get' an artist, it's not because they're too clever for you but because, like these guys, they're purveyors of pseudo-intellectual bollocks.

Joni Mitchell's Blue, and other albums you'll receive a lecture for not liking

OH, you don’t like the right albums? Then a calm, intellectually grounded explanation of why you should will surely change your benighted mind.

How to blame your cheating on the Strictly curse: A guide for boyfriends

ARE you not connected to Strictly Come Dancing in any way but need to find an excuse for your infidelity? Pin it on the popular BBC series with this guide.

Every member of D&D group thinks they're the cool one
ALL five of the people who meet for a weekly Dungeons & Dragons session believe they are the kind of cool person you would not expect to play it, it has emerged.

Business

Petrol still most reasonably-priced thing at service stations

DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford.

Fentimans, and five other brands that are the same bollocks dressed up in twee packaging

THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit.

Your imbecilic, half-witted and frankly bigoted ideas for the UK's new banknotes

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

Geekification of British men almost complete, announces Games Workshop

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

Jilly Cooper, and other celebrities tough to memorialise because of shagging
A CAREER based in large part on sexual intercourse makes the tributes slightly awkward when you pass on. These luminaries will be tough to remember respectfully.

Work

Middle manager trials good mood

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

You are f**k all like Taylor Swift, pupils remind English teachers

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

Best career motivation is manager who's a complete prick

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

Your salary safe from inflation, reassure bosses

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

Manager accused of gaslighting proves staff wrong by denying reality and shifting blame

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

Five homeworker hot weather outfits you were hoping other people wouldn't see

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

How to ruin a perfectly good shag by getting emotional, with the Mash sex columnist
IT’S real, it’s here, it’s happening and you’re about to get some, and now you’re going to ruin the moment by bringing feelings into it?

Alcohol

Wayne Rooney, and five other people it wouldn't surprise you to learn were pissed throughout

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

Everyone paying for what they had is a sign one person got shitfaced

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

Wine aisle adorned with 'Back 2 Skool' signage

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

Legend finds way to go hard and go home at same time

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend's alcohol?

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?