THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.
THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.
A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.
THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.
THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.
THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.
A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.
KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.