THE coming global conflict which will devastate the world cannot settle on exactly where to begin, it has admitted.
WAKING up with a hangover so intense I leave scorched footprints as I pad from my bed to vomit up copious amounts of purple and green matter, I reflect on my latest spiritual venture.
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?
LET me say England should remember who came to its aid in 1939 when Hitler invaded you, okay? Fighting them on the beaches alongside Churchill? US troops.
IT'S claimed that your urge to discover new music stops after 30. Have you really become a tedious old music reactionary, or are a lot of new acts a bit crap, like these?
THE death of a boy’s grandmother has provided a timely opportunity to prepare for the loss of his beloved cat.
A WAVE of refugees from Dubai is coming, and as ever kind-hearted Britons will do anything they can to help. Here’s how you can give them a home:
A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.
Politics
THE Green Party monsters currently threatening the country wants to sadistically improve your quality of life, we can reveal.
NIGEL Farage has declared that in fact getting elected with the votes of brown Muslims rather than the white working classes is cheating.
TODAY'S by-election in Gorton and Denton is to change British politics forever if Reform or the Greens win, but if Labour win does not matter.
Society
A WOMAN preparing for a night out has entered the third day of applying and redoing her winged eyeliner.
OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off.
THE Prince of Wales is watching events within his close family play out while still believing he will become King William V one day.
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.
THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.
A PUB’S diversifying clientele has separated into groupings of those who wear the same brands as the professionals and those who dress from Sports Direct.
Lifestyle
A MAN is feeling increasingly nostalgic for his twenties despite having spent the entire decade wishing they would end.
A PSYCHOLOGICALLY corrosive and morally reprehensible person genuinely believes all her problems stem from being a people pleaser.
HAS your perpetually broke friend bailed on buying you a drink again? While letting slip that all these activities were apparently within last month’s budget.
PERPETUALLY paranoid about ‘wasting the day’ staying in bed? Chill the f**k out by following this guide to enjoying it and not being knackered by 9pm.
CONCERNED about whether your recent trip to Londis to buy Monster was one in which you were mogging, maxxing, or both? We explain.
WE’VE all had a miserable birthday at some point, but it probably wasn’t as bad as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s. Here are some unhappy ones that were great compared to his.
Relationships
THAT night of slippery anal the two of you haven't discussed since? Shared over brunch, complete with hand gestures. Here's how to acknowledge that.
A WOMAN who really believes her boyfriend is faithful just wants to innocently scour all of his communications, she has confirmed.
A MAN has justified his personal desire to have sex with lots of women by explaining that men were evolutionarily designed to sleep around.
A LONGTIME couple’s romantic night out at a restaurant has made them realise their love language is now a chilly silence.
A MAN cannot understand what is happening as his latest bout of sexual intercourse extends into its tenth minute.
A MAN’S preferred positions for intercourse are the ones where he can lie back and enjoy the view, it has emerged.
Science & Technology
BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.
A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.
HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.
THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.
FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.
Arts & Entertainment
PORNOGRAPHY is often criticised as if it has zero artistic value. If you’re a connoisseur, here’s how to talk about it as if you’re a serious cineaste.
A CERTAIN strain of indie appears custom-engineered for miserable middle-aged men to scowl at behind the wheel on the school run. If that’s you then you love these.
THE news that William and Kate have not had time to watch all five Bafta nominated films has the UK questioning what else they are f**king doing.
A ONE-WOMAN stage version of Dracula was as bad as anyone imagining a one-woman Dracula would naturally assume, critics have agreed.
THE right wing has no artists of any merit, and that makes them sad. Consequently they have decided they’re drafting these into their movement without consent.
AN academic specialising in the work of Emily Brontë revealed that fictional character Heathcliff should resemble ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak in both appearance and speech.
Celebrity
MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them.
THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted?
TRUMP has used the death of Jesse Jackson to be mildly racist, mention himself and attack Barack Obama. Here are more of his tributes to the recently deceased.
AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.
HALLE Berry is the latest celeb to say she won’t be sidelined because of her age, although it helps that she’s extremely attractive anyway. Here are some more heroic age-defiers.
Work
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.
A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.
Alcohol
BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.
BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.
A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.
I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?
