DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.

THE Conservative conference begins tomorrow, and you need retrospective planning permission for an illegal caravan park. Who are you blowing to get this done?

DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.

DEAR oh dear. The prime minister has exposed his contempt for Britain’s decent, hardworking snake-oil salesmen. Well, I’m not ashamed to say I’m their champion.

RACHEL Reeves has advised you to create loving memories with money while you have it because who knows what will happen in the future.

TAYLOR Swift’s former fans have praised the star for prioritising their emotional development by releasing an album bad enough for them to move on.

HISTORIANS have warned that supplies of previously unknown women who can be held up as inspirational figures are about to be exhausted.

THE cost of getting your car serviced depends on what garage staff think of the radio station you are tuned to, it has emerged.

THE Metropolitan Police have hailed footage showing them hiding their racist views for months as a massive step forward for the force.

LABOUR is set to raise the two-child benefit cap, meaning households can maximise state payouts by adding a third, fourth or fifth child. We weigh up the pros and cons.

THE cities of Britain are thronged with callow 18-year-olds having loud conversations while knowing f**k all. These are a few of the worst.

LONDON. The big rancid cheeseburger. The place where dreams are made, or were. Because it’s full and I’m getting out. Here’s why.

BILLIONAIRES are shunning climbing Everest as a dreadfully common pastime of the hoi-palloi. Do you agree?

A WOMAN has abandoned her commitment to lose weight after realising she can simply buy clothes in a larger size.

SOME activities bear an inexplicable air of failed marriage about them. Dip your toes in the sad waters of divorce by doing the following.

A MOTHER recounting an incident to her adult daughter ingeniously included not just the race or religion of each character, but made it a key feature.

FULFILLED and long-lasting relationships are those where the man is less attractive than his partner and knows it, experts have confirmed.

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.

A WOMAN who sent a salacious drunken text implying sexual availability is horrified that it went to her boyfriend instead of an ex.

A MAN has proposed marriage because he is 39 years old and has no intention of being a man of 40 who still refers to his ‘girlfriend’.

A COUPLE is in agreement that there is nothing suspicious about covertly typing texts with your phone screen angled away from your partner.

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

NOT content with multi-million paychecks, duplicitous stars love nothing more than to con their audiences by fooling them into watching serious cinema. We name and shame.

A 59-YEAR-OLD metal fan has decided that since there is such a fuss about it, he will give Taylor Swift’s new one a spin.

CLOSETED superstar Taylor Swift is double-bluffing again with an album of songs ostensibly about macho man Travis Kelce. But the lyrics reveal what we’ve known for years – that she’s a lesbian.

EVERY year, there’s one. Sneaking onto Strictly, the joy of the autumn, ruining my Saturday nights with my Echo Falls and my post-divorce unshared share bag of Maltesers.

A NEW film of Wuthering Heights starring Margot Robbie is essentially a 1990s straight-to-video erotic thriller set in Yorkshire, but not every book is a cinematic bonkbuster ready to happen.

IF you don't 'get' an artist, it's not because they're too clever for you but because, like these guys, they're purveyors of pseudo-intellectual bollocks.

DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford.

THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?