Arts & Entertainment

A MAN is boycotting the new Harry Potter series on the grounds that he is far too old for it.

THE sardonic, frequently costumed cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still your unattainable ideal even today. Along with these niche crushes.

TICKETS to see Bob Dylan have been dynamically priced in correlation with his life expectancy. These musicians also use the spectre of their imminent loss to jack up the price.

HOW To Lose A Man In 10 Days is to get a sequel the public neither asked for nor deserves. What forgettable movies must now have the same?

STRUGGLING to grieve for Tim Curry because you spent your teenage years way too into The Rocky Horror Show and don’t want to be reminded of it? You did all these.

DOLLY Parton was a lovely person but her music was, well, country. Nonetheless you hate to miss out, so join in the ongoing public mourning by claiming to love these songs.

THE BBC is rebooting Top Gear and of course, like everything else that damned corporation produces, it will be hideously wokified. Miserable white man Roy Hobbs imagines the presenting shortlist.

THE UK is looking for its next City of Culture and has ignored the obvious candidates in favour of locations with no connection to culture whatsoever. These are they.

ACTOR and left-wing idol Miriam Margolyes has replaced JK Rowling as the writer of the Harry Potter series, following online backlash.