Arts & Entertainment

New Trainspotting kids' cartoon to be educational and fun, promises Welsh

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised.

Blur, and other bands who followed popular success with albums recorded up their own arses

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these.

I will fight anyone in this Nuneaton Kwik Fit who doesn't agree Train Dreams should have won

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.

Lost Doctor Who episodes include that time he wanked off a Dalek

THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.

Why watching two men going at it is queer allyship, but you watching girl-on-girl makes you a pervert

INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.

Five other art forms that can go f**k themselves and all, by Timothée Chalamet

NOT content with shots fired at opera and ballet, actor Timothée Chalamet has decided a number of other art forms are shite and for wankers, including these...

Iggy Pop, Blink-182 and other musicians who thought they'd perform cocks-out

THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked.

EsDeeKid, and six other acts which justify giving up listening to new music

IT'S claimed that your urge to discover new music stops after 30. Have you really become a tedious old music reactionary, or are a lot of new acts a bit crap, like these?

Gig ticket cost to be inversely linked to how many new songs they play

THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure.