Lifestyle

AN intense eight-year-old has spent an entire weekend herding sheep in preparation for his role in today’s nativity play.

A MAN thoughtfully chosen as a stand-in parent is confident it is all a totally meaningless gesture.

A MAN who organises his life with military precision has a laminated printout of favourite masturbation fantasies working on a 21-day rotating schedule.

A WOMAN has admitted she adores everything about the natural world once sanitised on screen.

IT is now obligatory, on visiting a Christmas market, to pronounce it ‘hell’, ‘hellish’ and that Beelzebub himself was operating the churro stall. Here are some key differences worth noting.

LIDL has launched a middle aisle advent calendar for men of a certain age who cannot wait to see if they get a glass engraving kit or inflatable coracle.

A MIDDLE-AGED man has admitted he is reduced to tears when there are threats to take his beloved golliwog away.

COSMETIC surgeons worldwide are fielding a massive influx of clients who want to be given the unique look of lifelong Wigan residents.

MIDDLE-class mums on cocaine one week, middle-class mums on Tramadol the next. I’m blasting skunk nightly. Where’s my f**king Daily Mail article?

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.