Society

RESIDENTS in Rothbury have asked armed police if one of them has a minute to take down Sky's Kay Burley.

A RECORD number of UK families can't afford to buy all the shit they want, it emerged last night.

THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.

INFANTS are finding it difficult to cope with their middle class parents' tedious angst about their careers and 'creative space', it was claimed last night.

THE BT adverts featuring that bastard couple are causing Britain's average IQ to fall off a cliff, according to new research.

JUSTICE secretary Kenneth Clarke still thinks there are people in Britain who do not believe in capital punishment for just about everything, it emerged today.

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.