THIS spring and summer’s festivals are offering attendees the opportunity to see a collection of bands they may not be huge fans of but offer decent value in aggregate.
A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?
WAKING up with a hangover that, if it escaped from my skull, would probably melt through the earth to Australia like a nuclear incident, I look back on my campaign to establish a controversial new saint’s day.
ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.
THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious.
FLEETWOOD Mac’s Rumours has been named the best-selling album of all time, so well done them. But many other LPs have sold tens of millions despite being f**king terrible. Like these:
POP megastar Billie Eilish has announced an 81-date world tour. But she’s not bothered about that. Instead here is her plan for bringing the glory days back to her beloved Liverpool FC.
Politics
WHO needs a functioning opposition to f**k up a decade in government? Not the SNP! They’ve proved you can do it effectively and stylishly all on your own.
HUMZA, buddy, I’ve just seen the news. Bad luck, mate. Not everyone can be universally adored like me. Want to know how I do it? I’ll let you into a few secrets.
LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain.
RISHI Sunak is increasing defence spending and preparing for war. Would you send your children to battle under his indefatigable command?
Society
A WHITE man is so committed to saying sorry for all the crimes of his kind that he effectively is not a white man, he believes.
DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives.
PEOPLE suddenly finding the ‘love of their life’ when they are 35, exhausted and realise they cannot afford to buy a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.
YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out?
Lifestyle
CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.
A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.
A WOMAN working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way, she has confirmed.
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.
Sport
GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?
MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
Science & Technology
WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.
BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.
A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.
SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.
Arts & Entertainment
CERTAIN songs are so annoying or inappropriate it’s only fair buskers lose earnings for playing them. Here are some it’s fine to dip into their guitar case for.
BACK when nu-metal ruled the world you ruled with it, young and rebellious and your baseball cap backwards. Now you’re a dad and these bands are boring old dadrock.
MEN around the world have been plunged into despair after discovering the length and contents of Taylor Swift’s latest album.
A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.
Business
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.
Work
A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
Alcohol
ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.