Brighton seagulls higher in food chain than humans

BRIGHTON-BASED seagulls outrank human beings and regard them as prey beneath them on the food chain, it has emerged.

Seagulls from the East Sussex city have claimed their rightful position of dominance after years of swooping down and stealing chips straight out of the hands of unwary residents and naive tourists.

Ornothologist Bill McKay said: “Seagulls are a pest all over the country. But in Brighton they’re running the show like the Mafia. It’s scary.

“They’re so aggressive that people have been knocked down to second place in the pecking order. You take your life in your hands just walking along the seafront. If you’re not careful you’ll be picked up in a beak and flown out to sea, never to be heard from again.

“Maybe they’ve been angered by the perpetual skunk fog hanging over the city and the overabundance of shit DJs. Or perhaps they’ve practised their intimidation skills by bullying the lefty locals who wouldn’t dream of fighting back. Either way, they’re hard as f**k.”

Seagull Martin Bishop said: “Nice tostada from La Choza you’ve got there. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

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Hot-wiring a car: Movie skills that are no way that f**king easy

MOVIES and TV shows make certain skills look piss-easy but if you actually attempted them it would be a disaster. Like these:

Hot-wiring a car

According to films, to hot-wire a car you jam your hand beneath the steering wheel, rip out some wires, touch two of them together at random and – hey presto! – the engine starts. If you actually tried this, in some kind of high-stakes getaway, you’d electrocute yourself and the police officer in pursuit would have to perform CPR before arresting you.

Shooting a gun

Every action film obsessive reckons they would be able to handle a gun like John Wayne, but, as any group of arseholes clay-pigeon shooting on a stag do quickly realise, firing a gun feels like being kicked in the shoulder by a horse. And there’s always one bellend who ends up chipping a tooth from the recoil.

Computer hacking

Having watched D.A.R.Y.L as a kid and then Hackers as a teenager, you think that randomly bashing around on a keyboard for long enough will get you into the Pentagon mainframe. In truth, you can barely send a GIF via WhatsApp, so the United States’ military secrets are probably safe for now.

Flying a plane

There are plenty of films where some have-a-go hero volunteers to land a 747 after the pilot is incapacitated. They just wiggle the stick a bit, press some buttons and touch down smoothly. You, on the other hand, would have an almighty panic and oversteer, sending the plane into a spiralling nosedive. There’s a reason pilots have to train for a long time.

Hanging on a ledge

Action films often feature someone hanging from an enormously high ledge by their fingertips and, because you can manage one-and-a-half pull-ups, you reckon you could do it too. In reality, you would last approximately 11 seconds supporting your own body weight before plummeting to the ground and a messy end.