Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

Now that we’re having warmer weather,
it’s time to dust off my shorts, pull a razor through the jungle on
my legs and get some fresh air about my stale armpits. However,
before I start exposing my white bits, it’d be nice to get in shape.
I’ve already commenced a rigorous fitness regime: the other night I
walked to the chippy to pick up my tea, and when offered a chocolate
éclair for dessert, I very nearly declined. Next week I might even
go and look at pictures of exercise bikes in Argos. However, all of
this dieting and exercise is time consuming. Can you suggest a quick
way of losing weight so that I don’t have to wolf down my pizza of a

Dear Helen,

Although it’s a good idea to get in
shape for the summer, do be careful when you go about it, especially
if you intend to sign up for Sports Day. Despite the fact that Sports
Day is intended to be fun for all who take part, everyone knows it’s
really just a way for all the thin popular people to excel, and
anyone who happens to be fat, puny or lazy look and feel like a total
loser. But things aren’t necessarily as they seem. My big sister told
me that Sports Day was designed by the Lesbians as a way of
maximising and identifying sperm donor potential. Think about it:
they’ve had representatives in schools posing as PE teachers for
years, secretly noting who is the fastest, strongest and best at the
egg and spoon race so that they might be utilised to further the
Lesser Master Race and help take over the world. Have you ever
encountered anyone who ever won the sack race? No, because they were
bundled into a van and never seen again. So this is a warning if you
value your sperms: never come first on Sports Day.
Hope that helps!



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
And did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon England’s mountains green? If you’re talking about Jesus, then no, obviously not.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Part of you might be enjoying ‘going with the flow’. Another part could be disorientated. But that’s what happens when you have a sword fight in the middle of a river.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Relief this week as it turns out it’s your son rather than your house that’s haunted, saving you from all that fannying about with estate agents and removal men.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It probably was a dodgy last pint that caused you to be ill, after all it is easy to end up in a dirty pub at the end of a three-day bender.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I’ll see your ‘he wasn’t on our radar’ and raise you a ‘he was living next door to one of your generals’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week body language becomes more important than ever when your tongue is bitten off by an angry crow.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Exhaustion finally sets in at the Middleton household after five days days of running around the house with their shirts over their heads shouting ‘Get the FUCK in!’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your attempts to put the magic back into your relationship fail after yanking a rabbit from your fandango is judged to be a turn off.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not add really authentic touches of rustic charm to your kitchen by spending 18 drudgery-filled hours a day in it and dropping dead, a spent husk, at the age of 43 over the Aga?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You finally reach the liberating stage of house rental where you realise there’s absolutely no way you’re getting your deposit back from the landlord and can now let the place turn into a scale model of Calcutta.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you have a chance to cast your ballot in a referendum on proposed changes to the UK’s voting system. And neither am I.