Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My girlfriend has terrible flatulence. You’d think that a young lady would have the manners to hold it in, but she has clearly become far too familiar and even thinks it’s funny to force my head under the covers and shout ‘smell the beef’ whenever she lets one go in bed. All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus. How can I get her to use her bottom for good instead of evil?

Dear Simon,
I shouldn’t worry too much about your wife’s trumpet bum, unless she’s got a habit of following through, and if that’s the case then better make sure lost property is fully stocked with spare pants. Whenever anyone in my class gets over-excited and poos themselves, Mrs Dodkins just tells everyone to calm down and goes to fetch the janitor so he can mop up the mess. Usually he just has to get the sawdust out, but the other day Serena Green got a terrible fright when we were singing Pop goes the Weasel and shat all over the silent reading area. The janitor wasn’t at all pleased when he had to wipe spatter off Watership Down with a J-cloth; thankfully we read that one last term.
Hope that helps!

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you learn that the difference between a strip club and a burlesque show is a juggler, an air of smugness and an extra £20 to get in. No chance of an oily tug for an extra 50, either.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Maybe next time they stage a police reconstruction in your street, you’ll learn not to keep stopping it to tell them all the things they got wrong.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re really looking forward to watching The Inbetweeners film this week, mainly because you’re too young to remember the horrors of George & Mildred: The Movie.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Doncha wish your girl was fun like me? Or would you happily settle for a 25% reduction in farts?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, if you’re feeling so disenfranchised and angry about something or other you overheard at the bus stop that you feel like setting fire to something, why not start with your own shithole of a house?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Okay, so you may no longer have a full head of hair, or whatever looks you may have possessed, or the energy you had as a teenager or the optimism you once felt… I’ve forgotten where I was going with this.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, you go on holiday safe in the knowledge that if the whole fucking building burns to the ground, nobody can realistically expect you to come home early to sort it out.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
3am, a Chuck Norris film on the telly, a warm can of Kestrel in one hand, a cheese sandwich in the other. And your headmaster said you’d never amount to anything.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Love can be expressed in many ways – a whispered exchange, a bold and extravagant gesture or just a simple touch of the hand. But this week why not try a megaphone three inches from the left ear?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The best bartenders recommend stirring for 12 minutes to make the perfect Old Fashioned but the security guards in Asda will have wrestled you to the ground long before then.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve been feeling so down recently you’ve taken to bidding early on eBay auctions so you can log onto a website that says you’re winning.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the country seems to be inexorably slipping back into 1981, this week you track down the Human League and warn them to not even fucking think about it.