Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently overheard my teenage son’s friend referring to me as a MILF and I have to admit I’m rather flattered. Next time he comes over I was thinking of calling his bluff and pouncing on him when he’s alone. He might not be so cocky when he’s trapped between my thighs.


Dear Gina,
Have you ever wondered why people are always going on about MILFs but no-one ever refers to a DILF? That’s because when you become a dad, certain things happen to you to stop you being attractive to ladies, and make your children embarrassed to be seen anywhere near you. It must be an evolutionary thing to stop dads from having affairs or something. Whatever the reason, dads stop being cool and handsome and start doing cringeworthy stuff like blowing their noses really loudly in public and playing UB40 at full blast on the car stereo when they pick you up in town. Never let your dad anywhere near your friends because no doubt he’ll be sporting a wardrobe that your mum bought him entirely from the M&S Blue Harbour collection and try to engage them in conversation using rubbish facts he’s learned from watching QI.
When ladies are giving birth, I think the men are taken off to a ward somewhere and reprogrammed to enjoy the Archers and want to listen to Santana whilst dancing like a freak and go to shit country pubs in order to drink real ales with pointless, saucy names. That’s why there’s no such thing as a DILF.
Hope that helps!



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Gervais's self-justification now funnier than The Office

RICKY Gervais has finally surpassed The Office with his latest justification for making fun of people with learning difficulties.

More than decade after his sitcom magnum opus the writer and comedian has reached new heights with his claim that he can create a character who appears to any reasonable person to have learning difficulties but does not because Gervais says so.

His new justification has received universal acclaim, with many describing his mangled, self-serving logic as ‘Brentian’.

Critic Julian Cook said: “Extras, Life is Short and ‘the films’ all had their moments but we are finally seeing him rediscover his sense of the absurd.

”Gervais has proved his detractors wrong. He is still the Master of Cringe.”

Gervais self-justification fan Nathan Muir said: “I think it’s a shame that his genius for pathetically transparent excuses has been overshadowed by sitcoms.

“I do love the latest way in which he is trying to have his cake and eat it but it’s still not as good as his rationale for why his use of the word ‘mong’ wasn’t offensive.

”Too few artists these days are willing to stand up and say ‘because it just isn’t’.”