Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I consider myself to be a vaguely attractive gentleman, not completely abhorrent to women, and yet I never seem to have much luck in getting one to intercourse me. The main problem is that I just don't know how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex. If I spot a nice-looking girl in a bar I set out to win her with the best intentions, but usually just end up getting very drunk and asking her if she would like to suck me, which hasn't been terribly successful as yet. Please help.

Dear Cliff,
You obviously don't know how to play the game which all women expect you to play if you are to have any degree of success in love. You're probably still swapping marbles in the gutter or ducking about the playground doing rubbish machine gun sound effects with your mouth. Keep that up and you'll continue to fail miserably with the ladies. If you want to get your hands on the real prize you need to cast off your boyish frivolities, and limber up for more manly pursuits, such as kiss-chase. If you are unfamiliar with this particular technique, the basic aim is to chase and catch a girl, and plant a smacker on her before she wriggles free. Remember: the faster you can run, the more chance you have of ensnaring a nubile cutie. And don't be tempted to settle for the lolloping mingers who will run slowly on purpose so you catch them by mistake. So, the next time you're at work, why not suggest a game of kiss-chase to your female colleagues and I'm sure you'll have your hands up their skirts in no time.
Hope that helps!

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Quarter Of Global Population Can't Get Drunk Or Look At Boobs

A QUARTER of the world's population is unable to have a few sherberts or stare at some knockers they do not already own, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that one in four humans is now a no-booze, titty-hater, with 60% of them refusing a nice glass of wine and a copy of Penthouse in Asia.

Of the total no-booze, titty-hating population, around 90% are very opposed to brandy and dumplings, while 10% have an absolutely fanatical hatred of rich, peaty, single malt scotch and the mere thought of a stunning set of charlies all soaped-up and ready for action.

According to the report Iran, Iraq and Pakistan are the countries where you are least likely to find one of those clubs where you can buy big jugs of beer and watch fancy ladies in their pants.

But the report also found that more than 300 million of them live in countries where everyone else likes to get totally steaming and look at all manner of private parts.

The data revealed there were now more no-booze, titty-haters in Germany than in Lebanon, and more in Russia than in Jordan and Libya put together.

The report has been seized on by campaigners who warn that Europe will soon be free of booze and titties and anyone who wants to watch a Russ Meyer film while hammering a few cans of Sweetheart Stout will have their eyes gouged out, their tongue cut off and their John-Thomas thrown to a pack of dogs.

Researcher Nathan Muir said: "The data does suggest the possibility of increased cultural tension in countries with large no-booze, titty-hating communities. Which is a shame because booze and titties are excellent."

But Bill McKay, a vodka fiend who simply cannot get enough knockers, said: "Fear not, little ones.

"In an ever-changing world where our values are constantly under threat, we can be secure in the knowledge that a litre bottle from Asda and a well-thumbed La Senza catalogue will always prevail."