An eight-point guide to being a dick on the internet

IS everyone on Twitter an idiot except you? Do you love angry typing or threatening people? Then trolling, also known as ‘being an absolute fucking dick,’ could be for you. Here’s an eight-point guide:

1) The first thing to remember is that everyone on the Internet is stupid. It is your job to tell them all how wrong they are about everything.

2) As a rule of thumb anything you would not say to somebody out loud in real life is most definitely OK to say online in front of millions of people.

3) Be mean to all the women. Especially the ones who have opinions or cellulite. If they do not leave the Internet immediately, get a bit rapey with them.

4) It doesn’t matter what you say it is the way you say it. Don’t be afraid to call someone a dirty pedo on a thread about homemade soup.

5) Use Photoshop not facts.

6) Never scroll past anything you do not agree with. In fact, even if you do agree with it or have no idea what it means, comment with ‘stupid c**t’ anyway.

7) Don’t let a little thing like ‘not reading the article’ stop you having an opinion about the article, the writer of the article and anyone commenting on the article.

8) And finally, when in doubt ask yourself, ‘what would Piers Morgan do?’.

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Woman now fully qualified in first aid and making people feel inadequate

A WOMAN who has completed a first aid course is now able to make other people feel pathetic for being useless in an emergency.

Office worker Donna Sheridan can now save a choking person, safely put someone in the recovery position and make everyone feel bad for not having a clue what to do in a crisis.

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “I really respect what Donna’s doing, but when she told me about helping a guy who’d collapsed in the street I realised what a useless tosser I am.

“If someone had a heart attack I’d just panic and watch them die in front of me. Or do the wrong thing, which would basically be murdering them. I can’t believe I’m such a bastard.”

Sheridan said: “It’s all about saving lives, but I do get the perk of being able to raise my voice at other adults whilst gently shoving them out the way to get to the victim.

“Everyone should do a first aid course, although I have to admit that would take a bit of the shine off it for me.”