Are you shit enough to be in May's cabinet?

HAVE you got what it takes to keep fucking things up like a senior Tory minister? Take our test and find out!

You are visiting another country. What do you do there?

A. Discuss trade and build good relations.
B. Treat the whole trip as a piss-poor Jeremy Clarkson travel show where you keep saying things like ’24 hours in Italy and no one’s surrendered to me yet!’.

You meet a young female party activist. What do you do?

A. Thank them for their hard work.
B. Claim your hand is cold and ask if they would like to sit on it to warm it up.

What is the internet?

A. A global computer network crucial to modern life.
B. I’m not that up on technology, but let me say this: I am passionate about the new micro chips and British computers are the best in the world.

You are responsible for an important public organisation. What do you do?

A. Learn about the challenges facing it and make sure it is properly funded.
B. Spend all your time secretly drawing up devious privatisation schemes, such as making the RAF hire its pilots from a new ‘internal pilot agency’ run by your old schoolfriend Tugger Jones.

A Briton is wrongly imprisoned in a Middle East dictatorship. What do you tell the press?

A. “We are taking legal advice and I am flying out tomorrow.”
B. “There’s no smoke without fire, and a few public floggings wouldn’t do this country any harm either.”

Mostly As You are not shit enough to be a minister. Practise drinking heavily at lunchtime and never preparing for anything.

Mostly Bs You are ideal for May’s cabinet. Why not send in your CV? You’ll probably have a job by Friday.

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Danny Dyer appointed Minister for Not Getting Mugged Right off like a Right Little Mug

DANNY Dyer has been appointed Minister for Not Getting Mugged Right off like a Right Little Mug, it has been confirmed.

Dyer, whose political career began when he highlighted that David Cameron is a twat, has been recruited by the government to help tackle the rising tide of mugs, arseholes and bellends.

Dyer said: “I don’t know a lot of the politics and all that but what I do know about is not getting mugged off.

“Whether it’s the old bill or some local muppet who thinks he’s having a right giraffe about the apples and pears, I ain’t having it.

“Like my first job today was to call all these Brexit geezers and be like, ‘Listen, mush, we’re all getting sick and bleedin’ tired of all this fannying about, alright.'”

He added: “Also I’m playing a funky house DJ set at Club Deluxe in Warwick tonight, bell me if you want guest list.”