Have you got a chip on your shoulder?

DO YOU have lots of weird grievances and think people are looking down on you?

It’s possible you have a chip on your shoulder. Take our test and find out.

You wave at your neighbour in the street but she does not respond. Why is this?

A. She obviously didn’t see me.
B.The snooty cow thinks she’s too good for the rest of us, with her posh, lah-di-dah job as a dinner lady.

Your local playground needs new equipment. What is the cause?

A. Spending cuts, or it could just be an oversight by the council.
B. The government spends all the money on theatres in London and doesn’t care if the kiddies round here have got nothing to play with except an old Yazoo bottle.

Your boss asks you to find something for the work experience guy to do. What do you say?

A. “No problem, Keith.”
B. “Not in my job description. You may think you’re a big shot in your Next suit, Keith, but you can stick your work experience guy UP YOUR ARSE.”

Your novel ‘Cave Wizards’ is rejected by every publisher. Why was this?

A. It was not very good.
B. Publishing is run by a clique of Oxbridge Jemimas who only publish books by people they go to dinner parties with, even if this sounds like a deeply unprofitable business model.

When visiting the doctor she asks you how much you drink. Why?

A. It is standard practice and may affect your treatment.
B. She loves lording it over the ‘little people’, telling us how to live our lives. Some of us NEED a drink after a hard day. Try living in the real world, missie. THE REAL WORLD.

Mostly As. You are not wasting your life on pointless imaginary conflicts. Possibly because you think you are too clever to have petty feuds with normal people like us. You’re not though.

Mostly Bs. You have a massive chip on your shoulder and your obsession with everyone disliking you may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not that you care. You don’t need anyone, anyway.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Expectant father choosing pram like he's going to be taking it off-road

A FATHER-TO-BE is choosing a baby buggy as if he is planning to take it on a six-day endurance marathon through the Cairngorms. 

Tom Logan is sizing up the various options based on tyre ruggedness, sturdiness of frame and whether they have an interchangeable Woodland Camo/Urban Granite hood option. 

Wife Hayley Logan said: “He asked the woman in Mothercare if they’d been tested for collision damage against concrete at up to, say, 40mph.

“I caught him timing how quickly he could slot a Bugaboo car seat into the frame, and when I asked why he said it could be crucial in a combat situation. 

“Currently he favours a three-wheeler because it’ll cut through a rioting crowd more effectively, but they don’t have the oversized tyres he’d need for rocky terrain or tundra. 

“I don’t know where he thinks he’s taking this fucking baby. Still, as long as it’s not my problem.”