Bring it, say badgers

Britain’s badgers have told the Department of Agriculture that they’d better come tooled  up.



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World’s wisest man found on internet

A MAN who understands everything has been discovered thanks to his repeated posts on the online comment sections of national newspapers.

Retired engineer Roy Hobbs has been using news websites to share his solutions to a vast range of problems, most recently outlining a detailed civil defence plan should the Mars rover discover hostile alien life forms on the Daily Express website.

Hobbs has also explained how global warming could be tackled by painting everything white in a post on the Guardian website, and yesterday made a scathing attack on the coalition government on the ninth page of comments under an Independent editorial.

Hobbs said: “Let’s get rid of Dave Posho and his gang and replace them with people who know what it’s like to struggle in life – little Ellie Simmonds and our amazing Paralympics team!”

He then demanded that bankers work for free until they have paid off the national debt underneath the Mail Online article ‘Money tips for tough times’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “When Hobbs suggested sending sex offenders to Afghanistan to act as decoys while our troops withdraw safely, I realised his was a rare intellect.

“The only thing that puzzles me is why a brilliant polymath like Hobbs spends all his time posting comments online when he could easily be a prominent world leader. The only explanation can be that his vast intellect means he has transcended worldly concerns.”

Hobbs said: “I will keep posting until the powers-that-be finally treat online comments sections with the respect they deserve.

“Although not today because my computer crashed last night while I was attempting to find a solution to the problem of hot and horny MILFs.”