How to bring the ambience of your dodgy local pub to your living room

MISSING your local bar during lockdown? Here are five ways to recreate the uniquely unpleasant atmosphere of your beloved watering hole at home.

Paint the ceiling a horrible yellow colour

Despite the fact that no one has been allowed to smoke in them for years, many pub ceilings still bear the nicotine stains of several decades of happy smokers. Recreate this at home by dissolving several chicken Oxo cubes in a tin of white emulsion and slapping it on.

Make the carpet sticky

The sticky trudge across the carpet for another pint is an integral part of the British pub experience. If you have young children, your floor coverings are likely heading towards total adhesion already. Allow them to make their own peanut butter and jam sandwiches for optimum stickiness.

Create a naggingly unpleasant smell

Struggling to remember the aroma of your favourite local? It smells of old, lingering farts, like all pubs have since the smoking ban. To recreate this at home, have a pot of cabbage on a continuous rolling boil whilst occasionally wafting a jar of pickled eggs around.

Never clean your toilet

No pub experience is complete without an unpleasant trip to the toilet. Make your bathroom into a nasty hell hole by pissing copiously all over the floor and scrawling obscene graffiti on the walls, then add one small urinal cake to the loo in a very token effort at hygiene.

Become a pub bore

Every pub has some tedious old duffer perpetually sat at the end of the bar who loves droning on about things like Brexit and potholes. As the pub’s sole customer, this is your role now. Luckily you are also the landlord, so you can kick yourself out when you get too pissed and start shouting about immigrants.

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How to earn £12.43 on eBay for 40 hours work

FANCY earning a bit of cash on the side by flogging some of your old stuff on eBay? Here’s how to give yourself an incredibly badly paid full-time job.

Choose your wares

One man’s cassette of U2’s The Joshua Tree is another man’s treasure, as the old saying goes, so spend hours laboriously adding all of your old crap to eBay. None of it will sell for more than a penny, but at least you’ll feel like you’ve achieved something.

Take great photos

Invest in an expensive camera to take pictures of that jumper you bought in a charity shop in 2011, immediately negating any money you may make. Next, spend several hours trying to figure out how to rotate them 90 degrees before giving up and uploading them anyway.

Write needlessly long descriptions

Most eBay product descriptions give much more information than is necessary. Make it clear that you live in a smoke-free, pet-free, child-free, fun-free house and get incredibly detailed about how your copy of The Da Vinci Code is in excellent condition apart from a small stain on page 468 where you got too excited when reading it with a cup of coffee.

Check your page constantly

Want to waste masses of time you could spend doing something fun or productive? Spend hours every day checking your items for sale, agonising over whether that pair of grubby, well-worn trainers is ever going to creep above 99p.

Send it off

Now your useless piece of junk has sold for £1.57 it’s time to spend over that amount on a jiffy bag and some parcel tape to wrap it up securely. Waste further time by standing in the queue at the post office feeling miserable for half an hour. Congratulations: you are now a successful eBay seller.