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Pub boasts city's widest selection of identical IPAs

A WELL-STOCKED city watering hole is ready to cater to the needs of drinkers who want to choose from up to 28 differently-named 4.5 per cent IPAs with citrus notes.

Thanks to its generous selection of interchangably inoffensive IPAs that cost the best part of a tenner, The Robin Hood in Bristol is the go-to pub for anyone keen to congratulate themselves for their discerning taste while not being challenged at all.

Barman Ryan Whittaker said: “Don’t let varied names like Laser Juice or Indignation overwhelm you. The greatest sommelier in the world couldn’t tell the difference.

“We’ve got the Bedminster Swig, that’s a summery, hoppy IPA. Or there’s the Harbourside Gull, which is more of a light, crisp IPA. Don’t like the sound of them? There are a dozen more I can describe with adjectives just as meaningless.

“The Clock Tower is our bestseller. It’s just as bland as the others, but it’s a shade darker so you can trick your brain into thinking you’re having a proper pint. You get pissed with your eyes, after all.

“Oh, these taps with other drinks that you actually want? We’re out of those and always will be, but we don’t turn their signs around because we like to build your hopes up.”

Punter Martin Bishop said: “Absolute piss take. They’re taking advantage of the fact that I’m here now and I can’t be arsed to find another pub.”

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Perfecting nuclear fusion, and other ways to pull Hannah Fry

CELEBRITY Traitors contestant Hannah Fry is not only intelligent, but in a maths way. If you want to stand a chance with her you need to excel at science. Do any of these: 

Cure Alzheimer’s

It’s a disgrace this isn’t already on the market after Deep Blue Sea (1999) explained all you need is brain juice out of a shark. Invest in an oversized syringe and go to your local Sea Life Centre. It might mean visiting Birmingham, but you can endure that horror for Hannah’s hand.

Perfect nuclear fusion

It’s the key to infinite energy and possible in laboratory settings, so why can’t you do it in your kitchen? Become a genius physicist, create new ways of manipulating magnetic fields and superheated plasma, scale it down. You’ll need to do it in the next 18 months if you want to catch Hannah while she’s still really fit.

Build godlike AI

You may not, as a man in poverty in a Swindon bedsit, be able to see a path to dating clever, famous, beautiful Hannah, but it will be as nothing to galactic-brained recursive AI. Though don’t rule out other girlfriends in the meantime in case we reach 2046 and AI is still making shit like Shrimp Jesus.

Get her a pet dinosaur

No feeble plushie for Hannah. Going back in time is logically impossible, so instead use faster-than-light travel to visit an Earth-like planet in its Cretaceous period and grab a cute little psittacosaurus. Building an FTL spaceship that contravenes the theory of relativity is the only hard bit. But you got two Cs in Dual Science GCSE, so believe in yourself.

Freeze yourself in carbonite 

And have yourself delivered to Hannah’s door. As a scientist she is also a nerd so she’ll love the Empire Strikes Back reference. Carbonite, which was invented in case Harrison Ford didn’t come back for a third movie, doesn’t exist yet but it’s probably just frozen cement. Offer a builder £200 to seal you in it.

Download your consciousness into a robot

Advantageous on two levels. First, the robot can be more attractive than you, for example Jude Law in A.I. Artificial Intelligence. Second, ‘Am I me or just a copy of me?’ is exactly the sort of philosophical pop science question Hannah loves, so you’ll have something to discuss other than bloody quantum entanglement again.

Grow your own Hannah clone

Will require an in-depth knowledge of genetic engineering and a foolhardy willingness to play God, but imagine the ‘wow factor’ when Hannah meets herself cloned from a thrown-away coffee cup. Easily the best way to pull Hannah, because if she won’t go out with you there’s always the clone. Unless the clone dumps you as well.

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