Queen manically texting to find out what the hell she did last night

THE Queen is frantically texting friends, family and courtiers to find out what the hell she got up to while blackout drunk last night. 

So far, HRH Elizabeth II has texted Victoria Beckham, Princess Eugenie and the Dowager Countess of Carnarvon reading: ‘Hey! Great time last night! Where did we end up? Having a few memory problems LOL’, without reply. 

Her Majesty said: “It’s nothing I’m sure. Everyone wakes up like this after a night on the sauce.  

“Except I do have these flashes of leading a conga, and telling Serena Williams to shut up and get her arse out, and oh God were we doing shots of the 1818 Armagnac. Shit. Officially that belongs to the nation. 

“And I think I might have really tested that bearskin guard thing where they’re not allowed to react. Like really tested. Like flashed one. 

“Still nobody will say anything and if they do I’ll have them imprisoned for sedition, so I reckon I’ve got away with it. Fuck, my head.” 

The reigning monarch was then surprised to see James Blunt emerging from her private bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. 

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Mum sending message via WhatsApp, Viber, Facebook, text and email perfectly aware they all go to same device

A MUM sending the same message via five different platforms is perfectly aware that they all goes to her daughter’s one phone, she has confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis copies and pastes every message she sends her three kids across every single service, just to make sure there is no escape from their relentlessly buzzing phones.  

Daughter Emma Hollis said: “At first we thought mum might think all the messages go to different places, or platforms we check at different times, and she was somehow increasing the likelihood of us reading them by bombarding us.

“But when we sat her down to teach her how a phone works, it turned out she already knew. She’s just doing it for dramatic effect. 

“It happened when I was in a job interview the other day. We sat in silence as a cascade of chimes, dings, burbles and clangs went on for a minute. I didn’t get the job. The message was: ‘good luck’.” 

Nikki Hollis said: “Of course I knew. I’m not an idiot.

“I just like making an entrance. And too bloody right should their phone make the most massive fuss possible whenever I get in touch. I’m their mother.”