Woman completes first day of Dry January by being horribly, terminally hungover

A WOMAN has inadvertently got Dry January off to a flying start by being so ill she could not contemplate alcohol. 

36-year-old Donna Sheridan has breezed through her first drink-free day by spending the entire day hunched over her toilet, sweating, swearing and groaning ‘never again, please God’.

She said: “Can’t you see I’m dying in here? Turn the light off before I throw up again.

“Staying sober in January is supposed to be difficult, but I didn’t expect it to nearly kill me. Please tell me this is the worst of it and it gets easier from here on out, I’m begging you. I can’t do 30 more days like this.

“Why am I being punished for ringing in the New Year when my intentions were good? I put away all the booze I had, even the tequila, so I wouldn’t be tempted today and it hurts so much I can’t even be smug about being on the wagon.

“Even the thought of just sipping a glass of prosecco is enough to make me heave. If I somehow survive today that’s me off the booze forever. Nothing but elderflower presse for me from now on.”

Friend Emma Howard said: “Two weeks in, Donna will really start to feel the benefits of Dry January. Healthy, happy, full of energy. Bet she celebrates with a drink.”

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22 New Year resolutions that show you've hit a new low

WAS 2023 somehow, for you personally, the worst year of the decade so far? Have you resolved to turn things around? Are these your hopeless resolutions for 2024? 

Find new dealer (coke)

Find new dealer (weed)

Try to find address of estranged child with aim to renew acquaintance – written on Bargain Booze receipt? (THINK!)

Send mother 60th birthday present for last June

Unblock and clean toilet

Unblock and clean sink

Stop pissing in sink

Stop eating from bin when others are around

Try a second vegetable

Do not call number in phone under NEVER EVER CALL HER

No more than 12 hours binge-watching per day

No more than eight hours binge-watching per day (hardcore)

Set an hourly masturbation limit and stick to it!

Open curtains during daylight

Accept crisps are not breakfast, even in a bowl

Admit failure of pubic dreadlock experiment (nb, inform Bob Marley estate)

Start flipping the mattress every time you piss the bed, not just at weekends

Change Tinder bio from ‘worthless, ruined f**kboi’ because honesty is not always the best policy

Write CV. Using that one you found on the library photocopier isn’t working out long-term

Shoplift higher-value goods

End imaginary sado-masochistic relationship with the DuoLingo owl

Seize at least one day