Baggins Family Pans 'Lord Of The Rings' Musical

THE great nephew of Frodo Baggins has attacked the Lord of the Rings musical for 'playing fast and loose' with historical accuracy.

Ian Baggins said he was appalled at the way his relatives were represented and described the production as a slap in the face to decent hobbits.

Mr Baggins, a tax accountant from Worcester, said: "According to this show not only did my great uncle Frodo save Middle Earth from evil, but he was an outstanding professional singer.

"The truth is he was a cowardly little tit with a voice like a cow stuck in a hedge."

He added: "Bilbo Baggins was a thief, a traitor and a second-rate pornographer. He should have been hung in the village square."

The multi-million pound West End spectacular has received a number of unhelpful reviews.

The Daily Mail's Brian Popple said: "Halfway through the first act I turned to the woman sitting next to me, handed her a machete and pleaded with her to cut off my head."

The Guardian's Andrew Blamms, said: "When Thespis first performed in Athens in 550 BC little did he know that 2500 years later the theatrical arts would be reduced to hairy, tuneless midgets and their insatiable appetite for knocked-off jewelery."

Writing in the Daily Express Ronan O'Harple said: "It was so bad I actually shat myself."

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Brown To Appoint Milburn As 'Cabinet Enemy'

GORDON Brown will appoint Alan Milburn as his official Enemy in Cabinet when he takes over as Prime Minister next week.

With the departure of Tony Blair, Brown is keen to maintain the raw hatred that has motivated him for the past 13 years.

The appointment of former Health Secretary Milburn will provide the new prime minister with a shallow, charismatic right-wing focus for his darkest, most demented moods.

"Gordon is never happier than when he has someone to thwart," said a senior Brown ally.

"Having Milburn around to glower at and brief against will help him settle in to Number 10.

"Longer term we'll be trying to break Milburn's spirit, including 4am phone calls, uncomfortable chairs and passing the biscuits round the cabinet table so that Douglas Alexander snatches the last chocolate Hobnob from under his nose. It will completely do his head in."

Brown also plans to use the full apparatus of the state to track down the anonymous Blairite who described him as "psychologically flawed" in 1998.

A senior Brown aide said: "Gordon has given us permission to freeze bank accounts, tap phones, tamper with brakes and attach electrodes to private areas in our search for the truth.

"I have to say, he can be a bit of a nutjob at times."