BBC Stars To Reveal What They Do With The Money

THE BBC’s most famous names will be forced to reveal how they spend their magnificent salaries, it has been confirmed.

The BBC Trust has scrapped a plan to publish the pay deals of the corporation’s biggest stars, insisting licence payers would receive better value for money if they just provided an item by item breakdown of all their stuff.

Last night a host of BBC celebrities pre-empted the move with Fiona Bruce claiming it was perfectly normal for an Antiques Roadshow presenter to have a restored 18th century barn full of cheese that they go and sit in when the feel lonely.

She said: “When Hugh Scully told me about his cheese barn, I thought he was deeply unwell. But it’s turned out to be an absolute lifesaver.”

In a defiant statement, University Challenge interrogator Jeremy Paxman said he
had built up his collection over many years, there was nothing
suspicious about it and he only ever uses them for re-frothing his

And News 24 stalwarts Philip Hayton and Matthew Amroliwala said they
would not be apologising for keeping more than 200 malnourished hostages
in a dungeon and bringing them out at weekends to recreate American
Civil War battles.

Hayton dresses up as Confederate General
Robert E Lee and Amroliwala plays maverick Union commander Ulysses S
Grant. Since 2007 both sides have been using real bullets, leading to a
steep increase in the cost of new ‘recruits’.

It has also emerged that Top Gear‘s Jeremy Clarkson has more than 800 china figurines with unusually large mouths, while Andrew Marr‘s Andrew Marr pays funeral directors thousands of pounds to supply him with plaster of Paris buttock casts of famous people who have recently died.

A BBC insider said: “Last year he paid £750,000 for a mould of Walter Kronkite’s arse. He touches it before every show. Then he touches himself. I don’t like it here.”

Meanwhile Delia Smith has insisted her massive gun collection is purely sexual.


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Court Upholds Right To Dismantle Boris Johnson

WESTMINSTER Council have successfully applied for an injunction allowing the dismantling and removal of Boris Johnson.

Justice Griffith Williams heard Council evidence that Johnson had caused measurable damage to the capital and was improperly constructed.

The London mayor has until 4pm on Friday to remove himself and then pretend to cycle home for 500 yards before being driven away in a Bentley.

A council spokesman said: “Visitors come from across the globe to see the mother of all parliaments and it’s not helpful when they’re confronted by such a large Johnson.

“He looks like an inside-out polar bear that’s just been caught wanking.”

He added: “Nobody is denying the upper-classes their right to peacefully use their wealth and influence to run the country using all the cognitive abilities of a sofa cushion. But this Johnson has now reached the stage where he’s allowed to sign important letters without somebody taking a look at them first.”

Meanwhile  Kent has complained that Westminster has simply displaced Johnson onto its doorstep and Essex has already applied for an interim order extending their Johnson exclusion zone to Holland.

Combined legal actions across the UK could eventually lead to Johnson circling the country in a boat.

But Mayorologist Stephen Malley warned: “When you dismantle a Johnson, you run the risk of creating space for  an Abbott. It’s a bit  like dealing with an ant’s nest in your garden by unleashing a pack of wolverines.”