PIZZA chain Papa John’s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the UK, and the twee American name must surely have something to do with it. Here are some more with too much colonial nonsense.
Subway
The sandwiches are okay but not amazing, but the really off-putting thing is how the name desperately tries to convince you you’re having an authentic experience in the heart of bustling New York. If you’ve been on the actual subway you’ll realise it’s old, gloomy and gives you the sinking feeling of being in a Deathwish film. Recently they found a severed human leg on a train in the Bronx. Where’s my appetite gone?
Papa John’s
‘Papa John’s’ falsely suggests a warm relationship with a kindly old Italian-American uncle. However the real Papa John is John Schnatter, an ambitious businessman who launched the chain in the 80s. More recently he was in trouble for criticising the NFL’s support for players who protested against police brutality. Oh, and using the N-word, although in fairness it was to illustrate a point, not as an insult. Seeing an opportunity, a neo-Nazi called Papa John’s ‘the Official Pizza of the Aryan Master Race’, causing a PR disaster. It’s a tad unfair because you can’t just unilaterally name a business after your political preferences, eg. The Stalinist Dictatorship of Halfords.
McDonald’s
We have been assimilated by Maccie-D’s, so we now completely accept shit like the weird clown, calling doughnuts ‘donuts’ and the oddly bland and uniform nature of the food. However, there’s an Americanism we will not bow to, and that’s calling burgers ‘sandwiches’. Britons never will be slaves to incorrect terminology for high-salt, high-fat fast food products, although we will eat them until our hearts pop.
Taco Bell
This fakey Tex-Mex food isn’t going to fly in the UK, gringo. When did you ever hear a Brit excitedly say ‘Let’s go out for tacos’? Particularly this production line version. The meat looks unappealing, and at £2.29 a taco you may have cause for concern. The main problem is that most British Taco Bells seem to be on retail parks and in shopping centres. There’s nothing like a visit to Clintons cards and Taco Bell in the Golden Square Shopping Centre in Warrington to evoke the spirit of the historic land of the Aztecs and Pancho Villa.
Popeyes
Despite apparently being far superior, the gradually expanding Popeyes chain faces stiff competition from KFC, which frequently serves soggy, greasy chicken perfectly tailored to Brits’ natural culinary masochism. And what Popeyes gets wrong is laying it on thick with its Louisiana backstory. It’s hard to imagine miserable Brits buying into the idea that the food is ‘soul-powered’ or even wanting to have ‘a love for life’. And we’re not pretending we’re in New Orleans. You can clearly see it’s Croydon outside. It’s shit and we want to leave before we get killed by a gang or a tram.
Hooters
Are the famous Hooters chicken wings good? Who knows, as the only branches are in Liverpool and Nottingham. Hooters faces opposition every time it tries to open a branch, but the real problem may be that the US version opened in 1983 and has become normalised, whereas if you go to a British one you may as well say to the waitress: ‘My pervert friends and I are here to look at your breasts. Lean over more, please.’ The other error of Hooters UK was to open in 1996 – just as everyone was getting home internet access. There’s not much chance of anyone driving to f**king Nottingham to pay £13 for a chicken sandwich when you can have a wank at home.
