CNN To Replace Larry King With A Prick

CNN is to replace its veteran talk show host Larry King with some fat faced prick it dragged in off the streets.

The prick, named locally as Piers Morgan, will take over the network’s flagship programme in what experts believe may be some sort of tax dodge.

Tom Logan, media analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “It could be that CNN or its parent company Time Warner need to avoid corporation tax next year and so are taking steps now to make a massive loss. I cannot think of another possible reason for doing this.”

CNN insists the prick has a fine journalistic pedigree and used to work in newspapers until he became editor of the Daily Mirror.

But he was forced to resign in 2004 after the company’s directors finally agreed they should probably have an editor who actually understood things.

The prick then went on to develop a career in meeting famous people and then telling other people that he had met them, resulting in a pair of best-selling books bought by the sort of people who like to watch snuff movies.

In recent years he has been a panel member of both Britain Must be Stopped and its US equivalent Normal Americans, forcing everyone to assume he must have evidence that Simon Cowell murdered someone in his youth.

In April this year he interviewed then prime minister Gordon Brown in a bid to help Labour’s pathetic election campaign not realising that faced with the choice between a Morgan-endorsed candidate and Adolf Eichmann, the British people would be dusting off their swastikas and blaming everything on Woody Allen.

The prick said last night: “Where’s my fucking chai tea latté you irrelevant piece-of-shit? Don’t you know I’m friends with David Hasselhoff and Howard from Take That?

“Gordon Brown’s a really nice guy, you know.”


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Google Instant To Free-Up Two-Thirds Of A Second Of Your Day

GOOGLE’S new Instant search engine means consumers can finally start using the fraction of a second it used to take them to get a result.

The company estimates the average user performs 12 searches a day, meaning they will soon have more than nine extra seconds to devote to work or leisure interests.

Hailing a ‘quantum leap in search’ a spokesman said it would mean millions of people were finally able to finish their novels, while some could even donate their nine seconds to help tackle global warming.

However experts stressed that instant internet search results would inevitably lead to something filthy.

engineer, Julian Cook, said: “If it’s delivering answers as I’m typing
then what happens if I’m planning a long weekend in Cockermouth?

it just waited until I’d actually finished typing the word then I’d get
a useful list of B&Bs and interesting walks in Wordsworth country
instead of a face full of big, hot dicks or a picture of Liam

But working mum, Helen Archer, said Google Instant means she will finally have time to read an incredibly short bedtime story to her children.

“I came across a lovely one in Waterstones the other day. It goes ‘Once upon a time there was a little princess who lived in a forest. Everything worked out fine’. I reckon with a bit of trimming I can get that down to about 6.4 seconds without ruining the magic.

“Thank you Google. My life is amazing now.”

Advertising executive, Martin Bishop, said: “It will make no difference to me because I already utilise the time between entering the search term and getting the result. Look, I’ve just made this origami giraffe.”

And primary schoool teacher, Emma Bradford, added: “Developing this will have cost Google millions of dollars which could have been used for other things like buying everyone a bag of crisps or helping to cure cancer.

“I think that might actually be evil.”