'Girl With The Apple Tattoo' sparks product placement row

A NEW thriller about a troubled Goth who covers
her body in corporate logos has sparked debate about film sponsorship.

Based on the Steig Larsson novel, The Girl With The Apple Tattoo tells the story of Lisbeth Santander, a vengeful young girl with a really helpful bank whose only friend is disgraced journalist and coffee lover Mikel Nescafe.

Starring Rooney Mara, the film shows Santander endure harrowing violence, sustained only by her faith in a number of multinational companies whose logos she has tattooed on her body.

Director Stephen Malley said: “The apple across Lisbeth’s shoulder blades is symbolic of her battle with cumbersome PC operating systems, and the rage that shitty Windows browsers have instilled in her.

“For more obscure plot reasons she also has the Burger King stamp on her arm, the Pepsi logo on her forehead and, in one unbearably gripping scene, we discover why her left buttock is tattooed with the phrase ‘Banana Yazoo is delicious’.”

He added: “It’s definitely what Stieg Larsson would’ve wanted, he was into a mixture of radical socialism and cool consumer brands.”

As the plot unfolds, Lisbeth and Mikel Nescafe join forces to solve the mystery of a disappearing girl in numerous exciting scenes of MacBooks being opened and closed with increasing intensity.

Film critic Roy Hobbs said: “‘Apple Tattoo’ is based on a middle-aged liberal journalist’s tale of a lithe, mink-like young girl who meets a middle-aged liberal journalist and shags him to within an inch of his life.

“What a sly old feminist he was.”


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Women wrong, says cleverest person in world

THE fundamental wrongness of women has been established beyond doubt.

Professor Stephen Hawking, the world’s cleverest human since 1988, has confirmed that women are not only wrong but probably stupid as well.

In an interview with New Scientist, Professor Hawking said: “Have you tried having a grown-up conversation with one of them? Fucking hell.

“They are wrong. And I know everything there is to know about the universe, so that’s that.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, backed Professor Hawking’s theory, adding: “I also really liked the way he described them as ‘constantly expanding and contracting’ and ‘infinitely dense’.”

But Logan’s girlfriend, Helen Archer, insisted: “He didn’t say any of that.

“All he said was that women are a ‘complete mystery’. Which is actually rather romantic and makes me think of myself as a beautiful star that no-one has ever really taken the time to try and understand.”

Logan stressed: “Saying something is a complete mystery is exactly the same as saying that it is wrong about everything all the time. As you well know.

“But let’s abandon Professor Hawking’s years of study and continue to live in your alternate universe where the laws of physics state that you’re the only one who can remember exactly what people said and the tone in which they said it.”

Archer continued: “In your universe the laws of physics state that all women are wrong except your fucking mother.

“Also, no disrespect to Professor Hawking, but you can’t really tell if he’s being ironic or not.”

Logan added: “Cleverest. Person. In. World.”