Is this married father-of-two too gay to be the new James Bond? A Mail investigation

AARON Taylor-Johnson is hotly tipped to be the next James Bond. But has the talented hunk with industry connections got what it takes to be 007? The Daily Mail investigates.

James Bond is the coolest character in the history of fiction. When he’s not killing henchmen with naff gadgets he’s being pedantic about his martini. No wonder women want to be with him and men also secretly want to be with him.

A cool character needs to be played by a cool actor. Who could forget Sean Connery, Roger Moore, and that guy who only did one movie? Sadly, Hollywood seems to have missed the memo by reportedly casting a beta cuck who grows his own kale and thinks feminism exists.

Even worse: Aaron Taylor-Johnson is a married house-husband who clearly works out. In other words, he might be a bit too gay for the role. Clearly his marriage is a smokescreen and he’d rather be copping off with Blofeld than getting his leg over Pussy Galore.

Picture the scene in the next Bond film. A mad scientist is poised to trigger nuclear war with a satellite mounted to a bomb. The clock is ticking and there are only seconds left to save the world from total annihilation. But all 007 can think about is the decor in the volcano lair.

Meanwhile, Sydney Sweeney will be manacled to a nearby wall with the all-important self destruct button hidden in her knickers. If only James Bond could use his trusty heterosexual male libido the day would be saved. Instead, audiences can expect Taylor-Johnson to deliver a tedious equality lecture like in the man-hating film Barbie.

One thing’s for sure, with four daughters at home to worry about, his mind won’t be on the job. Instead of unzipping cocktail dresses with his watch, Taylor-Johnson will be thinking about the school run and his wife who is 24 YEARS HIS SENIOR like the shadow of masculinity that he is.

Either way, a proper James Bond should be played by a suave, charismatic lothario like Idris Elba or Donald Glover. If Pinewood Studios can find a white version of them then they’ll be on to a winner.

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Therapist gently leading patient to understand it's all their own fault

A THERAPIST is helping a client to gradually reach the understanding that all their problems are their own f**king fault, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne has listened to Tom Logan whine endlessly on about his parents, upbringing and schooling and is delicately leading him to the conclusion that everything would be fine if he was not such an innately annoying shit.

Traherne said: “While TV and social media wants you to believe the opposite, not every whiny, self-obsessed crybaby who comes to therapy has been badly treated by everyone they know. Some of them are just dicks.

“The most difficult part of being a therapist is helping your clients to reach a breakthrough moment, one of which can absolutely be ‘I’m a bit of a wanker and perhaps that’s the reason my parents aren’t affectionate and I can’t keep a job’.

“But as a health professional with a duty of care, I can’t dictate to the patient and can only drop subtle hints like ‘Maybe your girlfriend left you not because she had an avoidant attachment style but because you had sex with her sister’. It takes a lot of training to be able to stop yourself just bluntly pointing out someone is a bellend.”

Tom Logan said: “£90 a pop to find out I’m an unlovable twat? I could have figured that out for myself.”