Subscribe

Miriam Margolyes replaces JK Rowling as author of Harry Potter

ACTOR and left-wing idol Miriam Margolyes has replaced JK Rowling as the writer of the Harry Potter series, following online backlash. 

Margolyes, who is gay, impeccably left-wing and says the C-word on chat shows, is thought to be a much more palatable pick for younger generations than the ‘problematic’ Rowling.

A spokesman for Warner Brothers said: “As owners of the cinematic rights to the Harry Potter franchise, we needed to protect our investment. And Joanne was an issue.

“It isn’t just her attacks on the trans community. She’s always on Twitter, which is an unacceptable hive of Nazis, and the whole ‘being Scottish’ thing isn’t as fresh as it was back in the oughts especially as she doesn’t back independence.

“Miriam, by contrast, was an enthusiastic Corbyn supporter, she’s pro-Palestine, she’s rude to all the right people. She’s the kind of loveable sweary auntie we need as writer. The other one can carry on writing her nasty spiteful murder books like a big old meanie.”

32-year-old Harry Potter fan Hannah Tomlinson said: “This means I can fully embrace derivative books for children about a boy wizard as central to my identity again!

“This isn’t just good news for me, but for my boyfriend, family, colleagues and everyone around me. Okay, all do a quiz to find out what your Hogwarts house is.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Foolish undergraduate taking course that only enriches her spirit

A NAIVE 18-year-old has decided to take a degree that will do nothing but deepen her understanding of the world and appreciation of the human experience.

Lucy Parry has condemned herself to a lifetime in debt by choosing a course which only broadens her mind and enhances her life instead of leading to a solid middle-management position.

Friend Ellie Shaw said: “I explained the point of university is to give yourself an unassailable advantage when applying for white-collar positions at blue-chip companies. But she kept talking about her ‘passion for learning’.

“What can she possibly learn by studying English Literature? All the books are summarised on Wikipedia now anyway, and if you need to do critical thinking about them there’s ChatGPT.

“Closely analysing incredible works by great writers is a waste of three years. All she’ll develop is a keen sense of empathy and a rich cultural understanding of the world around her. Employers don’t give a f** about that.

“And when she’s not making her way through the canon, she’ll be out on the piss and hooking up with boys doing sports science. I couldn’t think of a more dreary existence.”

Parry said: “Yeah, well if I regret my decision I’ll be able to articulate my despair in a Petrarchan sonnet.”

Next story ›