'Play it again, Chas, you slag': Classic films that need a remake starring Phil From EastEnders

HOW would iconic Eastenders hard man Phil Mitchell fare in a classic Hollywood movie? Here are some films begging to be remade with him in the leading role.

The Shawshank Redemption

Phil stars as a man done up like a kipper and sentenced to porridge in Wormwood Scrubs for not paying the £12.50 charge for driving in London’s Low Emission Zone. He plots to break out by tunnelling into the sewage network, busting through a fatberg and spending the rest of his life sanding a boat on Canvey Island.

Classic quote: ‘Get busy living, or get busy dying, you muppet.’

The Lord of the Rings

Phil plays Gandalf the Chelsea Pensioner who has to take a ring to the pawn shop in order to get money to put on the 2.40 at Sandown. He gathers a motley crew of characters to help him, such as Grant Gamgee and Sharon of Lothlórien, and together they face down overwhelming odds, including Pearly King Sauron watching them from the top of his high-rise tower block.

Classic quote: ‘Fly, you fools, or I’ll give you a right good slap.’

Forrest Gump

Simpleton Phil navigates through life in the East End of London, meeting famous Cockneys such as Dick Van Dyke and Eric Bristow, dispensing seemingly profound but actually nonsensical homespun wisdom such as ‘dodgy is as dodgy does’ and working on a cockle fishing boat with his friend Lieutenant Wellard.

Classic quote: ‘Life is like a tub of jellied eels.’

Die Hard

Phil, who works for the filth, has to fight a gang of tea leaves on his night off after they take over the Oxo Tower. They’re watching the lifts, so he has to duck and dive while sneaking up the apples and pears with injured plates of meat to rescue his trouble and strife.

Classic quote: ‘Yippee-ki-yay, you mug.’

The Silence of the Lambs

Phil stars as ’Annibal Lecter, a cannibal killer who was caught bang to rights and turns grass to help Old Bill psychologist Clarice Starling catch a low-life, played by ex-EastEnders cast mate Rickaaaay Butcher, who’s dodging the dibble and causing havoc.

Classic quote: ‘I ate his liver with a nice plate of pie and mash.’


Phil plays the barman in the Dog and Duck, the North African city’s boozer, which hosts musical nights featuring Chas and Dave. Following an outbreak of hostilities between two rival firms of football hooligans – Casablanca Hotspurs and Casablanca Park Rangers – Phil has to ensure safe passage for his former bird and her old man.

Classic quote: ‘Play it again, Chas, you faaaaaakin’ slag.’

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Reading vs Glastonbury: what are the differences?

THE Reading Festival takes place this weekend, but what makes it so different from Glastonbury? We run down the differences.


Glastonbury: Nestled among bucolic hills in Somerset on a site that’s a working farm most of the year, near the mystical Glastonbury Tor

Reading: Held in Reading and Leeds, two leading shitholes at opposite ends of England


Glastonbury: Alternative acts dancing on stage barefoot, scattering flowers, singing about ley lines and the fey folk while the audience holds hands and smokes weed

Reading: Alternative acts stalking on stage in black leather unleashing punishing riffs in songs about hating the world and themselves while the audience smokes hash cut with diesel oil


Glastonbury: Acceptance for everyone; whether middle class, upper middle class or upper class, you’ll find kindred spirits here and go home with marvellous new contacts

Reading: Loathing for everyone, whether indie kids, metalheads, bikers or the innocent, they all deserve what’s coming to them in the mosh pit. And by festival’s end all is the mosh pit


Glastonbury: A dizzying number, with every kind of act performing to suit every taste from pop to jazz to African drumming, all to be stumbled upon by the chemically enlightened

Reading: Seven, and one of them’s comedy so doesn’t count. The others are all a mix of guitar noise, hardcore rap, banging dance and extremely antisocial bastards


Glastonbury: A lot better than they used to be. The dreaded long drop is a thing of the past

Reading: Pissing in a bottle and throwing it at Bring Me The Horizon


Glastonbury: Proudly plastic-free

Reading: Encourages re-use of plastic bottles by pissing in them and throwing them at Bring Me The Horizon

After-hours entertainment

Glastonbury: A dazzling array of nightclubs, dance tents and cabaret acts to take you on a magical journey until dawn at the stone circle

Reading: Rubbish fires throughout the site attended by aggressive bastards f**ked up on bad drugs. Sunday night is extra terrifying because the toilets are set on fire too

Worth going?

Glastonbury: No

Reading: No