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Queen's final act of service was making Phil and Holly look like tits

THE last selfless deed Queen Elizabeth did for Britain was to create the queue that Holly and Phil have been eviscerated for jumping, royal experts have confirmed.

After hundreds of thousands of people stood patiently for hours to see Her Majesty’s coffin, the This Morning hosts foolishly cut in at the front and instantly trashed their reputations.

Royal biographer Sir Denys Finch Hatton said: “The Queen was a dedicated public servant, so it’s only appropriate that even in death she was making this country a better place by showing Phil and Holly up.

“People already viewed them as crass and thoughtless after they did that ‘Spin to Win’ game where you could get your energy bills paid, so it didn’t take much, but Her Majesty always did have a lightness of touch.

“They’ve tried to weasel out of it by saying they were doing a report, but it’s not like they’re journalists is it? They present an inane daytime magazine programme where they regularly patronise ordinary people. They obviously thought they were above the queue.

“But nobody was above the queue. So we shall be forever grateful to the Queen for outing these two as bellends. God bless you, ma’am.”

Five signs you've been at your job too long

WORRIED you’ve been at your job for so long that you’ve become institutionalised? Watch out for these signs:

You’ve blandly written ‘Good luck!’ in 52 leaving cards

Your colleagues keep leaving for reasons you don’t understand, like ‘more money’ or ‘career progression’, whereas you’ve got staying power. Either that or you’re terrified. Whatever the reason, you’ll doggedly go in every day until the company goes into liquidation or they force you to retire.

You’ve watched the CEO grow up

When Steve Malley started he was a sales admin assistant with a cheeky grin who nearly got fired for accidentally sending his boss some porn because no one understood email in 1998. Now he’s worked his way up to the top, earns almost triple what you do, and affectionately calls you ‘Grandad’, which has become your embarrassing work nickname.

You’re the only person who can change the toner in the printer

You’ve worked in this place longer than that printer has been alive and you jealously guard the secrets of its inner workings. Unfortunately, the office is now paper-free, which means your skills in the ancient art of changing a toner cartridge are pretty much obsolete, like you.

You know who all the abandoned mugs belong to

When someone new joins the company you show them the ropes because you’ve been there the longest. Part of the tour includes showing them the cupboard of abandoned mugs and explaining they can use one until they bring their own. ‘You can even use Bill McKay’s huge Sports Direct mug which he left here in 2011’, you joke, while they look desperately around for a way to escape you.

Nobody likes you

You’ve hung around in this place for so long that people treat you like the smell of a lingering fart, by closing their eyes and backing away. However, they can’t make you redundant because your pay out would be huge, so they’re going to wearily put up with you until you can be put out to pasture in another eleven years’ time.

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