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Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and other dodgy 90s crushes

THE sardonic, frequently costumed cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still your unattainable ideal even today. Along with these niche crushes: 

Tiffani Thiessen

It was between her, Winnie in The Wonder Years and Topanga from Boy Meets World for anyone unlucky enough not to be getting any and lucky enough to have satellite telly. For viewers of Saved by the Bell, it was either Tiffani or brainbox Jessie Spano, played by Elizabeth Berkley. Those who chose of the latter won in the nude movie stakes.

Salem the cat

It shouldn’t have, but a clever cat who once – in human form – attempted world domination definitely did it for your teen self. Even if you didn’t get half the jokes or understand who Davy Jones from The Monkees was or why he was guest starring in a 90s show aimed at children.

The Goblin King

Nobody wants to admit it’s how they discovered David Bowie, but for most 90s kids it was on this VHS. The discovery of his previous career, and the absence of tights and a codpiece for the bulk of it, was an unwelcome one. Finding out your dad loved his work and was positively eager to discuss it was the real passion-killer.

Wednesday Addams

You wanted to have Christina Ricci’s deadpan delivery and one-liners or you wanted her to love you, either would be fine. Leading to lives of disappointment for besotted pre-teen boys drawn to girls who didn’t care if they lived or died only to discover they meant it.

Rupert Giles

While Sarah Michelle Gellar was there for the boys, gamely dressed like she was on the game every schoolday, the girls were forced to choose between brunette bad-boy vampire Angel or peroxide blonde bad-boy vampire Spike. But why, when fusty and sexually repressed in a good way librarian Rupert Giles was right there?

Psylocke

The X-Men’s resident telepath, except the soul of a hot British women was somehow transposed into the body of a Japanese ninja. And she was conflicted about it as the X-Men always were while posing around in skintight leather throwing psychic knives. Even now, you’re hopelessly hard for any woman with an unbelievably complicated backstory.

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David Beckham's completely authentic guide to owning an allotment

DAVID Beckham is apparently an avid gardener and keeper of chickens. He explains how to produce prize courgettes by digging in manure yourself, like he definitely does: 

Learn the correct techniques

Want to grow the perfect carrot? Then don’t skimp on raw materials. Waitrose does some terrific ones. Pop them in soil back at your allotment, unearth them and they’re perfect for Instagram. Don’t make the mistake of ‘planting seeds’ and ‘nurturing’ them – the Class of 92 was a one-off thing.

Employ an allotment PA

Yeah, an allotment that’s south-facing with good quality soil is useful, but it’s crucial to employ a full-time personal gardening assistant. They’ll do the physical work – which is all of it – or source local gardeners who can pitch in when you’re in Los Angeles. Ensure they’re not too attractive. I speak from experience.

Pick crops that will flourish on social media

Avoid things like runner beans, because even if they grow well and taste great they’re boring and won’t get clicks. Instead opt for vegetables that might grow into rude shapes. I’d recommend courgettes or pumpkins, which can end up as hilariously misshapen as Paul Scholes’s dong. As you become more skilled, try to raise radishes with vaginas.

Cultivate a bullshit narrative

To maximise the publicity you’ll need an angle the media can run with, such as ‘Victoria shocked by size of David’s marrow’. Obviously she wasn’t because she’s seen a marrow before and is aware of their size, but regular press coverage keeps the brand healthy.

Preserve surplus produce

Even tending a small allotment can result in a glut of fruit or vegetables you’re unable to eat, so buy glass jars and read up on pickling techniques to avoid wasting them. And having a stock of nasty vinegary vegetables in jars means you’ve always got gifts for those you don’t like, such as your son and his heiress wife.

Put the time in 

People often ask me how I find time to garden when I’m watching World Cup games or at Wimbledon, and the truth is I don’t. But I remain enough of an icon to get my face in magazines worldwide even for pretending I do, and for me that sweet, homegrown publicity makes it all worthwhile.

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