LABOUR MPs have founded a private school themed around the working classes so their children can grow up knowing hardship, but safely. 

St Tommy of the Fury’s will be the first fee-paying school with downwardly mobile aspirations, where children are taught to stay up until 3am watching YouTube and to eat chicken from a bucket.

Headmaster Wayne Hayes, who did not pass any GCSEs but turned out alright, said: “Gifted children cannot be sent to state schools. They would not survive.

“Instead, we will create a working-class environment where they are referred to as ‘mate’ or ‘geezer’ and encouraged to express themselves by drawing cocks on RE textbooks but, crucially, shading them beautifully.

“Ideal for parents worried about social inequality in an abstract, not-directly-applicable-to-us sense, St Tommy’s allows you to cling to your ideals while not having to claim your child suffers some bullshit syndrome involving prime numbers for a grade boost.

“The curriculum includes Boxing Appreciation, Love Island Studies and Minor Benefit Fraud. We guarantee all children will leave with authentically regional accents.”

Francesca Johnson, member for Lewisham East, said: “Perfect. And now she’ll have a working-class background I’ll be so much prouder when she gets in to Oxford.”