Self-portraits ‘fuelling narcissism’

SELF-PORTRAITS by artists including Rembrandt and Van Gogh are to be banned from the National Gallery for encouraging mindless vanity. 

The move follows concern that artists over the centuries have been over-obsessed with their own mugging, pouting faces rather than engaging with reality.

Helen Archer, curator of the National Gallery said: “Artists like Van Gogh kept painting their own heads, rather than important things like vases or urinals. It’s pretty annoying when you think about it.

“I blame technology. They should never have invented the mirror.”

The estate of Rembrandt Van Rijn has apologised for the number of selfies bequeathed by the old master. 

Curator Tom Booker said: “For every memorable picture of the Treasurer of the Dutch West India Company, there’s ten of Rembrandt grinning from the canvas. Who cares?

“We burned most of them but there are still a few left, I’m afraid.”

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Kids collecting cigarette packets for cool horror picture

CHILDREN as young as seven are collecting cigarette packets for the gruesome health warning.

Youngsters have responded enthusiastically to the government’s new cigarette box design, which is plain apart from an awesome image of something scary.

Eight-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “My best day at school was when I swapped my ‘blackened teeth’ box for a ‘heart operation’ and ‘smouldering lungs’, which is really rare.

“Apparently Tom Logan in Class 4A has got ‘open heart surgery’ which is the rarest of all. He might be bullshitting though.”

Hayes admitted spending all his pocket money on boxes full of cigarettes, which are then bought from the shop for him by older kids who charge five fags per box.

He added: “Collecting cigarettes boxes is quite addictive.”